Say Green..

Kamal went in at the footsteps.. With him, a candle as he began masquerading with his song of romance. Suddenly, the hair behind my neck rose as I felt a gruesome feeling of disgust. I didn't know what went on his mind. But the genset was off and there was no electricity. He was there to comfort me. I knew he wanted more than friends but I tried consoling him by sharing him a book of wisdom. There on my hand was a book I was reading before: The other side of death. I told him, that there were many religions. And it amazes me, how all of them teach the Love of God and blessings in disguise. So it was how my relationship with him. Somehow or another, it was the same feeling I want to share to him. I remembered telling these boys that they reminded me of my brother. My brother was always alone, and I can see a searching conquest to find himself. He wanted to achieve the impossible. And a pilot he chose to be.

There were many words I spoke. I couldn't remember what were they exactly. But I could see the look of astonishment as I told him the facts about love. Maybe I didn't understand the desire of love. And I failed to see in his eyes. But something had provoked me to invoke something greater for humanity and it's allies. That is when I started to see that in this, simplicity, I began coining song and poetry in our souls.

What makes us a gold digger? This world is not made for the weak. And yet at a rapid scale, we are bringing ourselves to the road of extinction. To the path of no return.

In Sukau, and name any places in Sabah you find complete serenity. I'm glad that there is not much conflict here than what is shown on TV. It scares me the hell! So what can we do to strike a balance? We have to come down to our simplest roots and find a common ground to make us mutual. Which is why I propose clinging to our traditions. Not that which obstruct visuality but bringing us closer to the truth. Missionaries had come and go and they brought education. I must rely that education serves the best and foremost priority.

We may not have silver spoon in our mouth but song and poetry in our souls. So Kamal reminded me of this proverb. Aside from education, what comes second of priority is sanitation. Which is why the government proposed a scheme called the home-stay project. Where tourists can live with kampung families and sit by and eat their food. What a delicacy! And a treat..

The Sukau people are a mix of Iranun heritage. During logging era, there is marital exchange between the Ibans and Chinese which makes them a complete set of people depending on the river now for their daily lives. Most of their times, are affected by flood and oil palm residue killing their fishes which they depend on for livestocks.. Deforestation on the highlands brought sedimentation that further inflicts flood.

As the whole world revolves around, and become busy. You could spot the tiniest beauty in space where these people exists. Still holding strong, still growing roots. Needing to be acknowledged. But at the busiest moment, the sensible thing to do is to remain quiet. Be kind to the gentile for they knew not what they do. And this is my strength. To not perturb.. This is God's wonderful creation.. And we watch them grow. Maybe, in time to come. They can come out to play. But for the moment, tradition can get lost forever. And we can blame on the magnification of our own image. Will you save us if one man remains.. And God said yes, which is why the hopeless and distraught must not be saved but helped. The strong protects the weak. And yes, it's true we can rob from the rich.

A word of reminder.. Robin Hood.. Man in tights! Say Green..

Indigo

I would've published my journals long ago but I think it's for another shoe to fit. Anyway, I came up with lots of analogies so far in writing this blog, my thesis and my so-called journals which I have given up long ago without actually seeing them materialised. In it, a continuation from my book, I came into discussing about the collision of stars. And what happens if one nuclei is added into the equation. I begin synthesising Einstein's theory but before which I have thought about the Theory of Everything diligently debated across the internet nowadays. I came about the dogma of gravity and angle. And in my viva which I have already presented, I've explained what it means to climate change and the catastrophic events lined up to earthquake locations and how similar trenches are on the globe inter-linked with one another. I also showed how ozone was made and how agriculture might be improved from having this knowledge. This location is utterly important, the forests need to be preserved. It's an intermediate point where the wind blows and the tectonic plats meet. Just like the African mid-rift valley. Soil conservation needs to be re-think. Haha! It's a devious scheme.. But anyway hope it works! It will re-create a new whole approach of what we think how the economy is!

Anyway coming to the nuclei.. Do you think we really should have a nuclear reactor by the way? Where are we gonna put the waste. And I'm sure there are other solutions. This again as I said, is moving on the fast lane. I still think that solar energy and wind can accommodate our needs. In Facebook, targeting on several comments posed by a friend. I was reminded about my model where I have actually beforehand submitted a copy of my viva notes to my supervisor. Of how it may reflect silicone or germanium is re-arranged. I stressed how energy can be cultivated from these panels but from what adequate knowledge I have on this technology I am still lacking. Someone else has to invent it. Just like what I am saying to having fuel energy replaced with hybrids or biomass fuel. That wouldn't be difficult wouldn't it. Besides there are 6 billion of people on this earth to must've thought of something. But the question is, where will we get our technology from? The answer will lead us to solving economic crisis and the call for action for one voice and tolerance.

We need to be aware why preservation is important to us. Asked a question, how long can we sustain ourselves? How far can we go as a civilization, without having technology killing us. Can we surpass this internal conflict? So think wisely and act responsibly. The world is enough for everybody needs but not for everyone's greed. Throw away the pride which clings. What are we bargaining for? What is real humility? Everybody wants to be somebody but I know deep inside there is a special gap that we just want to be ordinary to fill that empty space. Au naturale!

That is why preserving orangutans is important. It reminds us of what intelligence is. And it reminds us of ourselves. The orangutans need the forests and we need the forests. This is bilateral truth. In-cognito. A scheme you would say. That's how the world revolves around. With or without you. So are you in or are you out? No matter what it is, the world will still continue. It had always been since last time I remembered. But in the process, what have we lost? Precious time.

The Egyptians have a wonderful tale of history. And so are many civilizations like it. The Borrobudur or Angkor Wat. But to what links me or fascinates me the most is the Indian civilization. They have extreme adoration to nature and they seem to understand their composure. But how pyramids evolved, had been my test of intelligence in getting just the result that I needed to prove my equation.

America has long withstand trials and had been tested so many times of trivials. They are made of artists and businessman and they whole world revolves much on capitalism. I hate how much they see the world as utility and commodity. And that you can buy a cooperate in ringgits and pounds. Do not they understand the value of things? The Egyptians act as "khalifahs". They knew that they had to serve a supreme being and that it had been their responsibility richly Godly endowed that they have to preserve nature as a Gift. And they had seen to it also, sub-ordinates were rightly paid and housed.

Now post-colonial, how do we see ourselves today? If there could be a conjunction made between these two cultures we would have a neo-darwinism theory. And I propose that Lamarc's theory apply. I don't know how I came to this.. I couldn't find my notes.. There were so many discoveries. Oh yeah now I remember, if we can apply to the concept that adaptation may be induced by the transmission of culture at a rapid scale (and I mean given a shorter distance of pounce). Maybe lessons could be learnt at a higher intelligence. Just a metaphor, I would then samely imply this on the pre-conditions within the Lamarc theory. But like I said, it's just a guess.

The Eternal Child had been my favourite book. It's a book that describes biology, anthropology, archaeology and primatology. Like most books I like, these were metaphors. A word that had first been described by James Lovelock in his book the Gaia Hypothesis and my supervisor.

Primatology is such a fascination to science and I hope that it can progress as a subject in schools. Because from my experience, there were many notes unknown to man.. Up, up and away. Towards Science and Beyond.. Hence, I declare the Game of the Millennium!

Ideology

The rich must live simply, so that the poor may simply live (Mahatma Gandhi). There needs to be a transference of culture. So that there wouldn't be a culture shock to what we are facing deliberately. Someone has to act out as a cushion absorber to cushion out impacts so that society may realise that what we are dealing with are pure mundane expressions. We are all have been moving in the fast lane and we forgot to consider our simple roots, which what makes us. This is not to say to lend support to a totalitarian agenda or central to government schemes as God forbids that our liberty be challenged. Or so say the capitalists or lest we go to a marxist regime. Oh no! Everybody needs to be happy and there are costs to be happy. My maid once said to me, that in the kampung, there are plenty of foods we don't need to be worried about being fed. But at the same time, I have to find money so that I can send my children to school. In the act of free will.

I was in Cardiff when I saw a good looking man, but old begging for coins. I gave him a pound and he was so happy that he yoddle at the top of his lungs.. God bless you! Whatever did I do to him! And of course, some left over biscuits and ham. That was all I got. I couldn't help the pregnant lady on the other hand. She was sitting crouched at a corner, looking lonesome and at such an impoverished state. Her eyes were literally bewildered. And she was heavily laden. I didn't care. I wished I could help, but it seems there was a choice. If only there wasn't. Anyway, I thought to myself thanks to Obama she will have health care support or forced to go back to her parents if they weren't drunk.

I went to the London zoo to ponder. And I saw a poet. As usual, being tall and lanky a chap he is he sang songs of poetry reciting as he coerce himself in composure. I looked at him, and thought what was he thinking. But indeed, it was a great place to be. I saw the chimps. Benoit studied them and track them in the wild. But I didn't see the gorillas.. Seeing them would send chills down to my bones. But I didn't so that was it.

I talked to a friend someone from the Orangutan Land Trust. And she said if these people wanted to alleviate their status of poverty they got to get educated. I agree in keeping pace with the world and be at the "social norm" but who the hell is leading!

My best-friend's husband aunt's husband works with the UN. I went to Bristol for a visit and she brought me to all churches there was. I was at St. James and I asked someone in a suit and daughters in bridal wear if I was in fact in the right place. He said yep! I waited and waited. Then I decided to go to the gas station I saw her there cursing while filling up her gas tank. I then came to know there was another church called St. James.

But the story was all we did was prayed. I wanted to visit Bath but she wasn't interested and there was a historical chapel on the hill I wanted to go. We zoomed past by with her car. She was very focused and she knew what to do. But the one which I remembered was when we went to a church with colourful glass. She asked me to lit a candle which I did. Then I heard a soprano singing. It was very lovely, as she reached to the highest pitch of tone, suddenly I cried, I cried profusely. I was so beautiful.. She brought me to a chapel where hundreds of martyrs died. The church was lit by lots of candles. I wanted to buy a copy of an article but I didn't have a pound. So I just put in few shingles and took the paper. She said don't do that. I bet it wasn't the right thing to do. Just outside there was a home-stay place where people that don't have anywhere to go can find refuge. They were smoking and apparently looked disturbed. I think it was a good thing to do but my aunt thought that the money should spent on otherwise. There was a rosary painted on the walls. So much so were there on other places. People were looking for God.

When I got back to Cardiff, I made a sandwich to a begger near Sainsbury. As soon as he saw me coming with a sandwich, he immediately took off. Maybe I bargain with his ego. He was a person nonetheless. I was so at peace as I went roaming around the city at night. I was prowling like everybody else, but most were safely at home. I saw some of them being fed with hamburgers from social welfare. It was a special visit by me. I was at Oxfam and the shop keeper said to me I knew you were coming figuring out since I liked visiting there. There were oh so many good books, worth reading and they were very cheap. I was at the train station and the floor sweeper said it was good seeing you again. And that really made that they. These are men with pride in their brows.

Right near the university where I was at, had a memorial of war with a St. Michael and his sword placing it down to the earth. It was very meaningful as all the students go there for a rest. And there wear trees with red splendid reds growing. It was a garden. On a bench, that said in loving memory of my wife engraved on the metal right when you're sitting on the chair. She must've loved the garden.

Cardiff has a special place in my heart. And I lost my tickets twice while coming home. I didn't expect that to happen, I guess my bag was out in the open. I brought the books home for the library at the university. And as much as I wanted to learn from friends all over the world coming together here at Cardiff. They wanted to listen to me. I hope my writings are thought of and learnt.

So how do we cope with the incredulity of religious demands so much in this world today. There are ways in describing society, one bias that one always do is to group identify a subject. Where they are always erroneously described as serving a function. But this is not right, because there are things such as individuality. And there are so many turmoils and vendeta in the animal world that needs to be justified. Then on, there are two pillars in primatology that is kinship and individual maximization. If we can sought for a balance between these two, maybe that can best describe the society that we live today! Mostly, females are distributed by natural sources while males are conformed to these females. That's the whole theory about society and primates so-far.

The inference now is how can we cope to social disturbance. We need to identify it and use it as a key connector to recipients being subjected to these pre-cursors. Perhaps we can see a pattern. It was my hope to write my thesis, as a pattern to relate as well to inspect the sovereignty of kinship and order based on orangutans and their lifestyle constituted within a disturbed area. And see how really disturbed they are. Perhaps it may prove a light to how we live and gain confidence to how we live our lives naturally. Eu naturale!

With all my heart

My mother once said to me, to be Cruel is to be Kind. I have dwelled upon this question during my writing up. I came upon this question not because I was driven to seek for this dilemma. I was utterly amazed as to how the orangutans lived. And while writing, I came to a word that strikes in the middle where I ought to put it, to perfectly describe their nature. Kindness. So the very same resolution resonates from what my mother said that to me. How would I justify to this new deliverance? My best-friend Tashi, once said to me, the more you try to justify truth, the further away you are from it.

Maybe there is a reason. And that there is a purpose to not question and that the only best thing, is result. The answer. But that's bullshit! I'm just so glad that my university propose a second best thing put into place after this, and that is processes. Who are you to believe? No matter where you run, goodness will always prevail. How corny would it sound? But everywhere I see, that's always true.

There is right and there is wrong. And No means No. So the right thing to do, is yes you can always question. Then why is that you could be cruel to be kind? My mother believed in discipline. It's not enough how hard I try to ignore it to know that I come into my common sense that what she's trying to do is to make me a tough person. To be able to fit it into a tough world. She had gone through a lot. What makes her believe that I would, the same?

There goes another saying that says Survival of the Fittest. Why do all scientists vote for that? Yes, it's true that this world is only lived by those that strikes at midnight. But then, the world is pre-conditioned. It is an art of a physical state. But vola, the human is the only thing that can jump-start a big bang! Shoot a star off it's orbital course. It's devious and unthinkable. Why do you want to go separate ways? Why ya wanna swim against the waves? Survival of the fittest. Humans have the exceptional ability to intrude, to be rude and physically ruthless. That's not normal. Well at least, to what I know from my equation. Or not, we all go obliterated!

My other question is about human endurance. If there is a thing as survival of the fittest then where does it bring to a place on durability? They either go extinct or deformed. That is what you can do to one another. You might feel devious, but put into sense that is just intra-specific competition. But given a matrix, where just ONE single being can make a difference, you can imagine what can happen. It goes bizerk! Because what do you expect, as a scientist, I would call it a mixture of putative fathers. But in genetic, you know the Father. So there then comes the crux, and nothing else is more nasty than having you follow the way to the Cross. Religion gave me a path to follow the light. And to show to others and let them lead the way. With else beckons! With my book and staff. The statue of Liberty comes into mind. Axis of evil. Yes, the fascist are a group of people that rebells without a cause. They have nothing to guide them, and they go jumping from one community to another with no direction, no objectives. Why do you want to do something that kills a person and then kill you later on? Godless.

With this in mind, and a trajectory to Kindness and Goodness as I found in my equation to the exceptional beauty of knowledge acquisition from ancient civilizations, what do you ask about the very basic subject that had us wondering in the beginning? Quantum. What actually happens in the black hole? Is it a deformity? An extinction? The other subject that wants you to ask is gravity and angle. I have buried myself into them. But I could only imply. Well I don't know actually. Maybe there is a thing as a theory of relativity. That the minute the planet dies it's orbital trajectory eventually coinciding with the black hole. Or that maybe, the black hole is just one magnificent creation in nature of the universe capable of absorbing light where there isn't any. And the beginning of dawn but excites the curiosity of science and how we regulate and keep order in a very turbulent society. To be Cruel is to be Kind. On Second Thought..

Terian

I remember the droplets of water on my mother's car. She was driving while scolding at me. Over something I didn't know about what. But I know her moods, and have been accustomed to this, being a single mom. She was driving, and it was raining. I was watching sideways of the window as we past through picturistique scenes of the kampong but what I noticed most were the droplets. On my journey to a remote kampong located at the Crocker range, the people told me of a story of why they call their kampong Terian. It's because when there is no water, which is vital for drinking, the water turns only into droplets, menteri-teri. That is why, they discovered how important it is for them to conserve their ecosystem as catchment areas so that we will always have clean water.

About the droplets, I couldn't understand why in their nature do they attach to one another as they do. Later on do I understand, that there is affinity in water to create the smallest space could be possible given the equanimity they are in the atoms of the water. So this very concept applies to the thesis I was writing. I found of a quantum leap in orangutans. That there is a triple binary star when they coordinate in the forest and how do they stabilise their number given the proportionate having to deliver to mortality and deduction of a scale of a magnitude population size in a habitat. This is Science. And the application to conservation is even more intrinsic. It applies to implementation and understanding of nature. To the inquisitive mormon of the revelation of God and it's humility in nature as we see it. Humanity, as we see in its Science and Godly works.  It's a creation of a civilization, nothing new. As old as history itself. And the complete acquisition of understanding of chemistry, physics and the biology of art in human form. The complete abduction of dedication and commitment towards this art that awesomely mesmerised the complete sovereignty of people. What could trigger a collision of stars is a big bang! Nah, I'm only kidding. But what could actually overcome this stability of art that exists for thousands of years. Is there a need of supremacy and dominion? According to the model, there is. But what about territoriality? In primatology, orangutans show territoriality in an expanse area while dominancy in a fragmented area and may be a sign of defect although I might not agree so. Territoriality may show a sign of robustness  and the inquiry of large accumulated lands. Dominancy on the other hand, balance rules and regulations, but not aggression. The system is led by a patriarch who led by order and compassion. This can only be found in orangutans. That is why I call this model polygenuity which stands for a polygynous system but with true ingenuity. And that the system led an egalitarian kind of lifestyle.

Contact. Elle Arroway was the first Scientist that went through a transportation system towards the centre of the universe. She found a duplicate blueprint on how to build it. This sci-fi movie inspired me of how I conceptualise my thesis. And talking about quantum leap, she took a leap of faith on the politics of Science and the perception of society towards Science.

I wish to see my father in Heaven. Here, is Paradise. I dedicate this passage to Yvonne Gom, my cousin and bestfriend.  

At ends meet..

Mine to take.. This is the first commentary story that I write without personally having faith to guide me. I know it must be hard. But one thing that brought me to write is something disturbing of one tale that beckons you to listen to what one see in a chimp's eye? A Nigerian friend of mine, after having him fiercely convinced about having humans intruding into conservation had led him to tell me about a phrase popularised by Jane Goodall. He said, you can't help feel disturbed when you look a chimp on the eye, because in their eyes, you see yourself. There are people willing to listen, and there are people who listen but do nothing. It may also be there's a reason to it, a marital bliss! But I feel appalled to why there is no affinity towards the human feeling to see suffering. Maybe, if we look upon the cross, something greater might move us. Or when we are directed to action, something of a devious kind might move us to generate something of greater magnitude but devastating. I feel very sad, that no one sees this. Or even dared to look.

The only thing that makes it bearable is each other, I remember of a special bond between a mother orangutan and her baby. And I couldn't uponly reflect this with my mother.  I am also looking for a father figure. But to understand about human endurance attracts me more. Not to see it as witness as it would bring heartache as usual, but to see things unseen. The faith that can move mountains. What is in the heart, no one knows. It is not our right to know, but to see how the heart touches many. And what a privilege it is to touch.. So many people would like to make a difference. Obama once said, America is not a right but a privilege. So are we all dutiful as a citizen? Or are we all civilians?

The Nobel savage becomes a word. Because all of us would like to be entitled. But to have this endowed we all need to live by honesty. The word truly Asia really strikes me because it embraces enigmatically the colourful arrays of skin we have here and spices, diversity. Not only that, it is humility in it's state. Not sedative, but alive!

I remembered a literature in the bible that said, God died for our sins so that man might be saved. So that man might live freely. As a Christian, I have to believe this. And by practice, turns me into a witness. But freedom leads us to accept things that we can't change and a word of reminder that salvage this is God gave us the freedom the choose. And he showed us the way to the cross, not just a cliche of what religion is but to show us how we can live our way to purity and to escape of an insane world.

I wish to make a change. And I am devious at this. But when things get adrift, I hope that I can cling to that faith again. Maybe religion makes me a better person, unpretencious, unstupified. The book was a start of literature. And it gave us freedom to think. It doesn't neglect you and it gave you comfort. I learn a lot as a Christian and it made me to think for myself.

But by faith, only my God can save me. But by hope, I hope to see in people. Vortex. Why are we living in such dishonesty when the only thing that can save us is Good. I guess there is another word that comes after dominance that is anger. Hatred. It is so easy to let it go. But as a consequence, you see your own image magnifies before your very eyes. How easy it is to unlock humanity. Courage and real strength, where shall we find it. I find it in you.. That is what makes it bearable.

No boundary. This is my hope. This is my courage. And this is your strength. Only you can change. But how can I quit smoking? I have my own reasons. I really want my mother to quit smoking. And I'm glad that Dr. Marc did his part. It worries me unduly. I smoked a lot while writing my thesis. I was overwhelmed. But not anymore, as I am more relaxed. Smoking is unhealthy.

My only wish now is to see my science come through. But that depends on the definition. But it's not mine to tell. The only thing that I can do to comfort is that it is well meant but put it in the wrong hands, not only would it become useless but wrongly defined.

People say it's the longest living river in Sabah. Stretching far to 560 km, it snakes across different forms of vegetation and bathes the topography from rocky hills to the flat mud plains of Kinabatangan. I, for once, would like to call it the fragrant river.

It occurred to me how travelling by boat felt like flying. As the soft breeze sweeps you across the face, your adrenaline pitched high with the speed, the smooth acceleration aloft the chasm body of water and the mirror of puffy clouds beneath, give a tale that you're no different from the birds of the Borneon sky.

The sweet taste of figs tantalizing to the nostril is yet a tempting manner for in contrast to its' smell, it is not palatable neither to humans nor animals. Hence the name. This image is what Kinabatangan conjures. Almost everything is such a contradiction to the other. The degree of uniqueness is at its peak here in Kinabatangan.

We're entering into the domain of wild orangutans, man of the forests as defined by the word or the red ape to others. The orangutan is the only great ape in Asia with two adjacent cousins, the gorillas and chimps in Africa. Sabah, Borneo is fortunate enough to harbour these marvelous creatures. Orangutans are only confined to two countries, both Malaysia and Indonesia respectively. Far from what people think, orangutans are not found uniformly throughout the country. Restricted to certain areas, orangutans are deprived from pristine lush forests. Thereby, unsuprisingly, could also be found in degraded forests such as those in the Kinabatangan region.

What attraction drew me to this forest creature? It's the same question that I ask myself everyday. There isn't any definite answer that I can simply put it down in words. Maybe it's because they share the uncanny resemblance to us humans. Some had argued how similar we are to them in relative to other great apes in terms of behaviour, physical form and social relationship.

Orangutans are sexually dimorphic, long-lived and the most solitary of great apes as Birute Galdikas put it. What better reason than this can we say as we speak of ourselves.

Maybe it's also because of that intrinsic value they hold, although some would prefer to call it economically beneficial. There's no doubt that orangutans are the golden goose for the proliferating tourism industry. Everybody wants to see cute cuddly orangutans. Why? Because they're ENDANGERED, labelled as potential candidate to extinction and the fact that they are cute. But is that all?

What is the value of one species gone entirely from the face of the earth? Is it measurable in our materialistic language of ringgits, dollars, pounds etc? Once gone, it's gone forever. Well except for the coelacanth and other species like it that have thought to be long-gone. But what is the probability of this chance, one in a thousand, one in a million?

The only rendezvous we have with these long-gone creatures is a cold memoir of dead species carved in tombstone near Brooklyn, New York. Plus, children's story books.

Ask any tourists why they come travelling to Kinabatangan, you'd be struck dumbfounded to hear their answers, "people tell us to better come here before it's too late". Eerie feedback, but true.

I recall a story once told by a good friend of mine. He used to work as a logger before making a head start into conservation. You'd be surprised how bulldozers can work wonders with the forest landscape. Within minutes, trees that took years and hundreds of years to develop would be squashed down to the ground, flat.

Going through his daily routine, he continues to pull down logs until he came to one last standing tree. Huddled close between the foliage of leaves, was a mother and a baby orangutan. One thing about orangutans is that they don't flee away as logging operation takes place. Hoping to stay camouflaged and undetectable, they remain quiet and still. As the last tree falls, so do the orangutans.

The mother dead, with the infant still tugging her arm.... Unbearable with this sight, my friend made it quits to logging and ventured into Kinabatangan Orang-utan conservation Project, an initiative of a French NGO Hutan. What becomes of the baby orangutan? Perhaps wanting to sell it in the pet trade, the loggers took it away and tied it down with cables like a dangerous animal. The sharp wire etching into the flesh bit by bit drew the last breath of the baby orangutan. A bit the same story as elsewhere.

I have been wondering to myself, are the orangutans able to think or feel as we do? If perhaps the answer's yes, then do they qualify the same status as we humans oblige, an ethical recognition in a sense.

A philosopher once noted that this question is not the matter of thinking or feeling capability but to their ability to suffer. Not the extremity degree of suffering but the ability to feel pain. This is what all beings share in similarity.

I'm currently studying the orangutans which I hope, could better help me understand their behaviour. And also, with the hope that I could personally see the empathy in them just as how one looks a kerbau in the eye, or even other creatures big and small. It's more like a personal thing which could only help me satisfy. But again, which I hope I could share with others.

Kerbau = water buffalo

A Visit to Sukau

In the sweep of an eye, a storm stork glides across the sky, few dozens pigeons roost nearby, like tiny sparks off the sunset and just ahead of us a heard of massive elephants charmed us with their social display. From a distance, loud bellowing calls of the proboscis monkeys can be heard. We sat completely still in our wooden boat, masticating all the wonders that nature has to offer. Abang Man, one of the 5 field assistants in the botanical team, noted that we were quite lucky to have seen them on our first day of visit. Indeed it was a rare and spectacular sight to behold! To me, it was a captivating display of affection, a welcoming gesture to Kinabatangan Wildlife Sanctuary.

It was a bumpy ride to Sukau and it took us altogether around 7 to 8 hours of journey. Upon reaching KOCP (Kinabatangan Orang-Utan Conservation Project) station, Hassan, also a botanist, made a friendly remark by saying "I thought you guys were plantation workers coming!" glancing at the old rackety pickup we rode. Isabelle, the director of KOCP led us to her cozy home. Little did we know that our one-month stay would lead us to the road of discoveries and acquisition.

Waking up at 5.30 in the morning was a bit hard for us at first, but it was something to look forward to. I guess one thing that made our trip memorable was the immense equanimity you get here. Think of Sukau and what image conjures? Our stay gave us a tiny peek to that question. Apart from being a sanctuary, one picture that simply define the Kinabatangan region is the idyllic setting it gives, particularly during the cruise down the mighty river. The Kinabatangan river, stretching to 560 km in length, sets a juxtapose to its guests; being wild and serene at the same time.

Everything seems silently still in the morning except for the humming of the boat propeller. From afar, beyond the horizon of the river, the sun sat majestically on his throne, painting the sky with a pale opalescent crimson. The thud of the craft anchored at the river bank draws us back to consciousness. Then, not far ahead, appear a refuge - a refuge in every sense of the word. We sat foot to the home of the red apes. It's very important to be in the study site before they wake up. Through experience, we came to know how tiring it is to search for lost orang-utans. It's a strenuous job to do: trudging in knee deep mud then hiking up hills with long heavy boots - a daily routine. The greatest reward one can gain at the end of it all, is the personal satisfaction to have a glimpse of that remarkable creature Isabelle and her allies are fighting to save. The sight of Jenny embracing Etin in her arms simply gave a profound feeling on the beholders. That alone, is enough to convince that they have atavistic feelings just as we humans do. Hugues, a visiting friend of Isabelle's correlates a belief that the French have on orang-utans. They believe that the red apes were once humans which went to live in the forest to escape the jostling and disturbing way of life. To me, that summed up the reason why the six of us decided to come here in the first place.

Being the largest district in Sabah, Kinabatangan comprises 288 sq. km stretch of land whereby 70% of it, like other places in Sabah, has been dictated to oil palm plantations, as Wildlife Ranger Syedy Sunjin put it. Most of the forests are extremely degraded. But it is these fragmented forests that many endangered wild creatures and their generations depend their survival upon; thus, giving more the reason why intensive measures are needed to protect it. According to Isabelle's study, the density of orang-utans in her 4-5 sq. km study site is much higher, 3-5 individuals per sq. km compared to undisturbed habitats which is 0.5 - 2 individuals per sq. km. Her findings discredit the idea that orang-utans are only confined to primary forests. Apart from that, the Kinabatangan region is also special in the sense that it is home to 10 primate species. Fresh water sharks and rays have recently been discovered here. No other part of the world bear such uniqueness. The last species of water shark in China has been extinct 120 years ago.

We were trekking for wild elephants when William Joseph, a WWF employee goes by saying that the forest is like a big, compendious book. It congregates all tiny fabric which create the very beautiful tapestry of life. We are sincerely indebted to Dr. Isabelle Lackman Ancrenaz, Dr. Marc Ancrenaz and all friends whom had given us an opportunity to have a look on that fascinating book, an intriguing adventure that gave us a deep comprehension to the vast marvelous richness of nature, hence life.

AM I BAD?

So I smoke, am I bad?

I wear bearing outfits, am I a slut?

I speak the truth, can it be accepted?

I act dumb, am I stupid?

I follow my heart, am I a fool?

See the churchgoers, bowing their heads in solemn,

Knees bent, hands clasped together, are they holy?

See those men, don't drink neither do they smoke, no criminal records, are they clean?

What's in the mind?

What's in the soul?

What's in the heart?

No one knows. 

What is wrong, what is right? Does anyone know? Are you God?

Who are you to judge me?

Are you God?

I do what I FEEL is good. My heart speaks to me.

When love occupies the heart, so does God. 

For God is love. So tell me, do I listen to God or you?

Disturbed

In the midst of people I knew,

Where do I belong,

Am I unique,

Always judged,

Always criticised,

Somehow I feel I'm different,

Am I blessed?

I'm in a journey,

Seeking of who I am, 

Thinking, pondering, contemplating,

The journey of the soul.

Poetry my song,

Loneliness my friend,

No being can understand,

No one can comfort me.

As the wind swept across my cheeks,

Shrouding me comfort,

Drifts away my sadness,

Bringing me music of the birds,

Wipes away my tears. 

I cast my eyes at the ocean,

Wondered the beauty of nature,

When is it my turn,

To go for that walk,

To search my soul,

Where do I belong? 

MOON

In the midst of a crowd of people, 

I stood alone, 

Everybody passing, everybody rushing,

I stood still alone,

Is this the world we live in, 

Or is this the world we reflect upon?

I long to be free,

Free from all anxiety,

Free from unreality,

Free from dishonesty.

I long to be in the woods,

With the archaic trees that stood,

And sway away with the stream,

Just a place for me to lean,

To let go of this pain I feel,

This emptiness I long to fill.

Where can I run,

Where do I belong,

Run towards the sun,

I can only dream on.

Only the wind, only the light,

Only the birds, only the earth,

That give me might in my plight,

In search of truth till the time is right.

I gazed at the starling stars,

I contemplate on that lonely moon, 

So cut off from the world,

So lost...

The hills, the vermillion coloured sky, the endless

ocean, the carpets of forest, the quiet canyon,

the universe...

give sense to life.

Instinct

Everybody wants to be in control, to impress people in order to progress and go further with their career. Along the process, they set themselves apart from the world. Tribal people are always at peace in the sense they are a part of the world. They fight, yes, but never go on war. They only do because we taught them to. They just take what's enough and leave a balance. There's one way of being a part of the world again. Not to leave development and return to the primitive state but simply to abandon one thing and that is dominance. Is there anyone willing to give up power and control? Everybody wants to be God. That's the greed that humans have since ancient times. (12.03.2001)

Mattias Klum

12.03.2001 He destroyed my zest for life. The colourful world looks so bleak. The dark clouds overshadow it and I can't find my path. I walk around so aimlessly as I bumped against things in the dark and got black and blue. Like a feather, I drift with the wind. When will I touch the ground and free myself from this illusion? I stand in the cross-road again, hard to decide where to go. I search for answer but in vain, when inside I feel so damn sore. 

As the sky drew darker, the road gets narrower. Still not know where to go o' poignant little wanderer. Kept on walking, kept on breathing. For what reason, you don't know. Only hope that someday, the light will shine your way. 

Mattias Klum: If I don't know that a bronze-coloured lizard lives behind the root over there, or that strange rumbling sound from the crowns of the trees comes from the wing strokes of hornbills, if I did not notice the scratches of the civet cat's claws on the bark of the fig, would the forest then be empty and deserted? This is not a world for those who must be fed with sensational encounters with big animals. It is a world that provides marvelous meetings with small things.

02. 06. 2002 (12:15 pm)
I’m going to Gayana today with Tashi. Boat leaves from the port at 11, 12.30, 3.15, 6, 7 pm.

I noticed sudden changes in Tashi, and especially her nature towards me. At first I felt disturbed but now realized that it’s an improvement she’s trying to make. Discrimination, realizing that she must extend extra semesters, she had to be more serious. She carries herself by her own notion of what an adult is.

Everything seems to come into place. Like a piece of a puzzle that finally fits into the whole picture.

How everything seems insignificant and yet precious to me.

I believe there are signs everywhere which leads us to own path. How we are able to distinguish signs to mere coincidence. I believe that these signs, although more mundane to else, only meant for us, with every individual having different interpretations.

As I’ve went through my young life, I’ve faced many difficulties in which different feelings arise and cause us to approach situations in different perspectives. I am grateful that I’ve recalled what things that I stood for, the foundation which shaped the very being I am today. Be it inspiring quotations, the lovely book I once read, the smell and memory of the past. I once condemned my past, for which clings me. I couldn’t let go and move forward. Always haunted that left a burden unsettled in my heart. But it is not about letting go. But about accepting it. For it is now a part of us, that made us. Nothing more to feel. No sadness, no guilt, no regret, but only gratitude.

The task is, is this for real. Which does not change but grow.

(10.57 pm)

I went with Tashi to Gayana today. And the boat we took left around 330 pm. I had a wonderful time. The day seem perfect, the sea was beautiful, it didn’t rain, good company, smiling people and most importantly we swam. I even dived in once, although I was terrified but overcome that fear. I wore a bikini. By then, I didn’t care what people thought.

Tashi feels disturbed. I tried helping by listening to her laments, Although I know that may not offer good advice. I realize that what people need is just someone to listen. I believe that they already knew what must be done. Tashi talked about her uncertainty, her unsettled thesis, she feels down that she had to extend her studies and so forth. She complained much about money. Although I feel that her reasons for spending much money was absurd. But then again, I myself am not good at saving money. She considers doing facial as essential and she has materialistic needs which isn’t compatible to how much money she has in the bank. She holds vengeance towards her ex-best friend. I know how hurt that must feel. But her anger never ceases and she could not let go.

However so, to me, she’s one person that is unique and very self-opinionated which attracts me. She loves the sea because she thought she was best in it. And now singing because she is better in that than most people. She wishes a lot and that she wants what everybody has. Looking at her reminds me of myself.

Mandy called to tell me that she was beaten again by her husband. I don’t know if it was the truth or a lie. After all these years, it seems reasonable that I should have known not to trust her. But still, I feel obliged to listen although take precaution or at least hinted that I don’t believe all her stories. My mother said that I was stupid that have even bothered befriending her.

I didn’t believe in the system we live in. perhaps the reason why I didn’t like going to church is because I’m surrounded by many hypocrites. I can’t explain.

And yet in the eyes of people, I’m like a rotten person. When in fact, all that I’ve ever wanted was good. And that I try to live my life in such a way. It’s the very foundation I build my reason for living in the first place. It’s just so a way to read the pattern that I feel effortless if I were even to try to manipulate perception of people. Say the right things, wear the right clothes, hide the truth and everybody will love you. But I won’t allow myself to.

To my mother, this would be in fact be a way to survive in the “big world”. Survival of the fittest.

But to me, life isn’t about surviving at all but to be alive, to live.

I watch “dead poet society” last night. Winnie was right, I ought to watch it. I was surprised to find out that many poems quoted in the film are those that inspires me the most.

There was one time, I was working on the computer. I was sort of in a meditative state. My hands and mind were working on a subject. But at the same time I was trying to resolve a psychological problem. As I recall my memories of places and people, I came to a conclusion of what all these men wanted. And for the first time, I felt so certain about it. I guess it was partly my fault, that I myself maybe giving the wrong impression. No more was the time when girls and boys are equal. I am now seen as a woman and however I acted may be perceived as seducing to the opposite sex when in fact all I wanted to do is to express my beliefs of the equality of treatment between men and women and that all I wanted was to be friends. Seems to me now that the fate for me to have no partner, is certain.

20.06.2002
I have postponed many times, I wanted to write on this journal but then refrained. It’s as though I can’t bring myself to write whatever is in my head. I arrived on the 18th, just as I promised Marc that I will. I don’t know how much I spent. But I think that it’s about the time I started to trust myself. As I evaluate myself, although still unable to convince myself, that my actions are done based on critical judgments, so terrified that I may make big mistakes and then suffer consequences. Although I’m not perfect, although striving to be, it seems that I do think before doing something. I did a lot of thinking, just to survive in this world. I don’t know why but it always seems to me that whatever I’m doing, I feel is unimportant. I better stop criticizing myself so much and contemplating on my weaknesses, lest in the end, I’ll kill myself. Again, self-inflicted actions. Obviously, my mind was wondering somewhere, I wasn’t living in the present. Benoit left for a one week expedition to Abai today and left some things Agung gave me at Kamal’s room. Marc was also suppose to go to Tawau for an expedition but then it was put off. So he’s staying here for another 3 days before going to Sandakan. He said that it was better that way. In that we could discuss more. I’m staying in the Belian room, with larger space for 5 months. I have to learn lab techniques in October with Menno. I wonder if I should go back this July. I need to get some stuffs though. I remembered that I forgot newsletters for KOCP back home. We had a general meeting yesterday started at 9.30 am until 4.00 pm.

I received a bag of goodies from Agung. I was really intrigued by him. He’s so full of spirit. He gave me some clothes and other essential things for the field. He really took care of the things I borrowed him before that it looked very new. Obviously he cared for me, as he gave me the wrist compass afraid that something might happen to me, some antiseptics as well. But the best of his gifts, was his poem which I attached to my journal. In a way, it brings me back down to my foundations, just as when Jasica sent me the soul figures on the net. Reading his poem made me feel something for him. He gave me the opportunity , perhaps only a few people knew, a window, a pavement to himself and for that I am grateful. I guess now I somehow understood what it meant by, at this moment we have to perceive that we’re on our free will but later dawns that it was all destiny. Everyone I met and then having learnt from, essential to shaping my very being was all destined. Agung motivates me a lot. I was a bit tired in the beginning and he was like a perk. I have to remind myself, make it compulsory, a mandate that whatever happens, not to in my way, expatiate personal feelings on experiences to anyone because I know that it is destructive. I now know that not everyone is as smart as he/she looks. They have many flaws I noticed. And I have to accept that everyone is plainly like me. What is more destructive is that I’m moving in the fast lane, so petrified of showing weakness, so determine of showing my abilities, so afraid to do silly things. And these are my barriers to living. Always putting in my mind to do the only right things. But everyone has a different perception of what is right, which clearly changes from one society to another. I have to learn the cultures, the lesson, of keeping all to myself, to bear my own load. All the pains I felt through the years have prepared me for the future. Although not what I wanted or hope to be but now it seems that it was destined. I’m so afraid of being alone but everyday makes it clearer that this is how it suppose to be. I have to only rely on my journal for a friend, to express feelings that some will live with me until I die.

While folding the socks Agung gave me, I accidently scraped a skin under my nail and watched it bled again. Strange. When I was in KK, I couldn’t sleep well. Probably that’s why I’m always sleepy here. I slept all the way from KK to simpang Sukau. There was one time, because couldn’t sleep watch TV until 4 am. Or should I say the TV was watching me. I was thinking about Merijn before going to sleep, in my dreams and the first thing that hits me in the morning was the song he told me to listen, “by the way” by Red Hot Chili Pepper. I was trying to figure out if he likes me and that should I give a respond. But I know it was impossible therefore resisted from being clumsy. I didn’t call last time I met them last Wednesday (12.06.2002). Somehow I knew the truth. I asked myself this question, how am I suppose to leave when my heart was here? But upon surviving here, I console myself by thinking that everything will turn all right and what will certainly stop me is for me to think otherwise and “worry unduly”.

I will go to the forest today at 12.00 pm.

(10.46 am)

26.06.2002 (5.33 pm)
At least I’m all alone and the genset is off, so there isn’t any work I can do. It’s good to have some time off, that way I can write and expatiate everything inside. That is until Kamal might come in and bug me again.

He’s everywhere which is so irritating. He’s like a kid, like Agung, wanting someone to play with. At least Agung I can tolerate. He has some qualities which I admire and peaks at the moment I found a poem he left for me. Which I think is pretty romantic of him. It’s like a surprise, I love surprises just like the time I flicked through the Neglected Ape book and found the pink bookmark which obviously he placed on purpose. Prior to this, when he was here, I saw the bookmark he placed in the “mammals of Borneo” book. I found it and gave it back to him. Maybe just pretending not to know, it was in fact for me. I guess looks does matter after all which is the reality. But as I come across the poem “But Not Today”, I was more attracted and I knew that I wanted to know him more. I’m trying to keep as silent as possible, I’m afraid that Kamal would know that I’m inside this room and will come then come banging in. Just like when I was at the new station (Marc’s place), just of a sudden he showed up. Thank God Benoit was there. He looked lost, I gave him the most obvious gesture without being impolite as I could, telling him duh don’t bother me, get away. So not wanting to be embarrassed he simply asked me, like nothing else to say, do you know how to contact Diana? After that he just left, thank God again. Usually when the others are playing volleyball, I stayed wanting to finish any work at least something just to fill my time, and so did he. Today, just arriving from Marc’s place, I saw him playing volleyball. I think that’s him just arrived in his room. He gives me the goose-bumps and such action persists since the last time I was here. I wish that he’s able to continue his studies and end my misery. But back then, it was just for a short while I don’t know if I can stand it now, since I’ll be living here for 5 months. People here are weird, it seems hard to cope with each different attitudes, different perception, different goals. I guess I’m just not built for this and today’s experience is simply to cover this inability. I will try though. But overall I think it’s better than being at home. I like to think that what I’m doing here is important, I hope that it is. I suppose I don’t care how much money I’ll be getting, how much trials to go, just so that I might believe in what I’m doing does and will make a change, just to prove that my very existence does in fact matter, in contrary to what my mother says. Being here teaches me not to cry, even at home, there are many eyes watching lest being called a weakling. I wanted to tell everyone that Agung was my boyfriend, to save me from these people whom I believe might see an escape route to leave this place and doing something different. I don’t mean to judge. Marc and Benoit might think that I’m acting peculiar but circumstances made me so. Mislin asked me seeing a picture of Tashi up the wall, if she was my boyfriend. And I said yes. She might think that I’m a lesbian, I hope so and perhaps she’ll spread the news around and these boys will just get off me. What kept me busy and at least happy, is for me to focus on doing work. I’d rather go into the forest of course with someone I’m ok with. Telling everyone that Agung was my boyfriend wouldn’t be right as well, I might hurt him again in the process.

I’ve been dreaming about orangutans twice. The first, of Jenny and Etin in the forest when Mislin and I found them that very way. The second, as I remembered were four, 2 females and 2 males in a cage. I tried releasing them and I was crying profusely. Worst, they were caged by my family which was horrifying.

I also dreamt about Merijn, also in the forest. This time what I remember the most or looked highlighted were his eyes. My feelings towards him were sincere or could it just be the situation between Agung and I. Like a kid, maybe I too wanted to play, but with my own choice of a partner. I know that I should. I sense that he too likes me but just like some people I know, for the wrong reasons. However I also know that our pathway intertwine due to destiny. I know that the experience I had have some meanings, to teach me somehow to prepare for what may come. Like Agung once say to me, I have to defend myself. Like Lindley, he’s the second person I’ve ever met that wore mix-matched socks.

I don’t know where I’m heading and I’m afraid to know that I may go to the wrong path. But I also know that many damage was self-inflicted, I follow my emotions too much. This time, I will follow where ever opportunity may take me. Maybe or possibly longer time from now, I may able to go to my own liking and make my dreams come true. I knew that it is still burning hot and I know that my dreams are meant to be. For this, I believe, is why I am here. I sure hope that I am right.

Perhaps these are signs of growing up, I become more silent that ever, I begin to learn to keep personal feelings and events only to myself, begin to smile when necessary even during adversities. And so it is with the rest of my days. It is to be, a preparation. Only for what, is yet for me to know, someday, if I might have the chance to.

Obviously, I don’t look keen in what I’m doing. Perhaps I begin to erode the trust. I’m searching for something more sincere, something more which I can connect to personally. But here, this is the very best I can find. Not perfect but enough. I just hope that I am not tied up and then I might move on to next. I’d like to imagine myself on a passerby and simply to do my very best in whatever I can do in every stop. Maybe this is also why I have the tendency to do my work with keen. I’m searching for a place that I can call home and find a sense of belonging. I am willing to give up everything but to give my very best with condition that we share the same beliefs.

I was disturbed. Had a short drink and discussed about work I can do here in Sukau. I was told that I was taken in not because I was doing my MSc. but because I wanted to do. Based on these remarks, I conclude that my presence is not significant that I may not bring change. I wish if they could only say, I would like to leave and go somewhere that I am needed. I thought of somewhere else but I don’t have much trust. They might serve for they own very own interest or perhaps they’re not doing the right thing.

Maybe afraid again of saying anything wrong, I kept my silence. It is better this way. Opportunity is there, maybe family will be happy, bosses might say look what we’ve made her etc etc. Just like Reggie says (which I didn’t know even exist before), there are 2 types of successes: you could either be successful/unsuccessful or successful/successful. He’s sort of like a fortune teller which everything he says is just about the situation in which I expect will be. I know I was told not to reminiscence or romanticize memories anymore, but the only thing that I really want of today, is to really see Lindley again. I know that to him, I would merely be a speck of dirt in his memory. I am a fool I know but what can a girl do but dream?

Blasphemy

18th February 2002 (8.42 pm)
Kurnia Perdana
I talked with Sabrina for a little while. From my short conversation, I knew then, how little I knew about her and her capabilities. I regret the fact, how little effort I took to understand about people and their capabilities. I remember again, that everyone meant good. Pain due to hurt, distrust are things which kill people and shape society. Unintentional actions produced which caused more hurt. A little imagination is what is required to overcome ordeal. I wish I could at least took the time to care more, understand more, criticize less and judge less. How could I ask for myself to be cared when in fact I showed the same gesture to people around me. I was amazed by Sabrina. She somehow knew or at least contemplate about life. It may also be due to my lack of attention to people. I regret the extensive time I had in my life in which I didn’t use to connect with people. Fear is probably the motivating factor which held me from doing things which I ought to. We know less about people and somehow judge people accordingly.

Being with people also reminds me how much strength and courage I have. Not being people made me dismiss my own qualities in which succumbed me to sadness. It is true, no man is an island. It isn’t the quality of time which we have is important but in how we decide to use the time given.

I had a dream last night, that I was in India. Shirley was also there and I was so happy. What’s funny was, my mother had a boyfriend, and that man was an orang puteh. He pretty much looked like someone I know. My mother bought me a sari, red in colour. And it was too damn expensive. The shop keeper gave me a price of RM421 when originally it was RM450.
Shirley and I then went walking about; we went to some flea market and the beach. I loved the beach. We watched the sun as we strolled along. I remember such deam, another one, when I went to Thessaloniki, at a rocky island and watched the sun. It was a happy moment, I dreamt that I had 2 choices of which food stall to go. One stall had the best looking chicken, the other one had cheap looking food. So I went to that stall instead. I imagined that the food would be cheaper as well but wasn’t. The stall that offered better food was in fact cheaper. But the stall which I ate had friendly service. I think this is how I live my life. I’m incapable of making the best choice but I try to keep a positive outlook to the decision I took. I’m afraid of regrets.

14th March 2002 (4.15 pm)
I started my practical on the 11th. All the staffs are busy with the entomology course since there are more entomologists. The launching was today. I helped a bit by carrying the books and at the registration corner. Twenty-four participants are supposed to show up but only 22 did. We received people from KOCP, DVFC, pest control, Jabatan Kesihatan KK and Sandakan etc. there were some UMS students as well including Sabslim and Saidi.

That’s all what I did today. Plus looking at Din’s pictures and listening about his experience in Italy in the afternoon.

Talked with Lucy in the morning mostly about her kid, Affendi. We together re-arranged the samples collected in the bilik basah. She seems to be a good mother, always talking about her kid, very concern and always taking part in doing his homework. I wish my mom was more like her. I promised kak Lucy to teach Affendi some English. I also gave her some surgical blades and other utensils.

The first day, I started by re-arranging the posters for exhibition. The theme: 3R, going to be held in Hyatt hotel next Monday (18/03/2002). Zainal also introduced me to Dr. Zahedi.

19th March 2002 (8.39 am)
I didn’t go to UMS. Spent the whole day at Hyatt. My job was to set up the posters by EAC. Expected to get a certificate later. Organized by DBKK. Was very sleepy. Didn’t sleep the whole night before. Spent hours making new posters as creative possible. Many were impressed.

They were not looking what I wrote. Instead, because they looked pretty. Tried to use as much recycled materials i.e. cardboard boxes and recycle papers. Put some dried flower, barks and shells.

The food was great though. I was amazed by how much food we could eat. They probably put out a lot of money on this. Or Hyatt might just sponsor the occasion. I ate three times and puke later. Other bodies were invited. Met Chai (practical with EAC), Bagon (with DBKK) and other 2 practical UMS students (DBKM). Met 2 first years: Felix from Labuan and Lennie from Science Social. Had some talks with Tzu Chin – was invited to come to help out on Sundays. They comfort cancer patients, garbage cleaning, orphan house on Sundays. Conventional to Buddhist religion, believed that Buddha is not god but an enlightened human. Describe human as having 4 purposes. Gave a small booklet of teachings.

21st March 2002 (Thursday)
‐ Help with entomology course – souvenir bags.
‐ Call Christine Goonting and Felicity Jim for Gaya booth on Sunday – make arrangements.
‐ Make photocopies of EAC members form.
‐ Taught Effendi.

22nd March 2002 (Friday)
‐ Clean/prepare bird for mounting.
‐ Met and discuss with Dr. Maryati.

23rd March 2002 (Saturday)
‐ Meeting at gallery, Chancellor – JICA – Biodiversity and Ecosystem Conservation.
‐ Prepare for exhibition on Sunday.
‐ Fax programme to Ben (Innoprise).
‐ Prepare gallery room.

GEF: Global Environment Facility
ODA: Official Development Assistance
OPEC: Organisation for Petroleum Exporting Countries
POP: Persistent Organic Pollutant
UNCED: United Nations Conference on Environment and Development
UNDP: United Nations Development Programme
UNEP: United Nations Environment Programme
UNESCO: United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation
WTO: World Trade Organisation
WSSD: World Summit for Social Development

After the Earth Summit (I) in Rio de Janeiro, countries condition in abide with Agenda 21 were SLUDGE (Slightly Less Development Genuflecting to the Environment). Second Earth Summit in New York stated that need to change from SLUDGE to DREAMS (Development Reconciling Environmental and Material Success). Next Earth Summit in 2002 – every 5 years.

Rob Lake, Royal Society for the Protection of Birds: problem in Earth Summit II – declining aid budgets in third world – Developed countries low finance. What need to be discussed in Earth Summit III:
1). How financial tools can best be used to do variety jobs à different types of environmental protection (from biodiversity to sewage treatment)
2). Different priority tasks for development (from health cue to export promotion)
Ref: Bigg, T. and Osborn, D. 1998. Earth Summit II. Outcomes and Analysis. UK: Earth Scan Publications Limited. Pg. 20

John R. Flenley. The Equatorial Rainforest. A geological history.
Before people thought that equatorial forest is stable not affected by ice ages of temperate regions. But 5 years after, found that got effect – equatorial area become arid not pluvials in state of considerable instability especially in montane areas.

… to suggest that fluoristic diversity endowed stability is not true. Jungle comes from sunskrit word “jangala” which means desert (Ollier, 1974).

28th March 2002 (9.35 pm)
TRUSMADI
Small scale expedition to the base of Trusmadi mountain. It’s not so cold here. Came in with 8 other participants: Menno and 4 of his students (Rambo, Muij, Merijn and Herman), Monica, Johnny and Azrie. We left the uni. At 9 something but only began to travel to Tambunan at 12 something since something wasn’t right with the invader. Poor Johnny, Azri, Muij and Rambo, they had to take the bus instead because no other vehicle except for the invader. I actually arrived at the uni. earlier at 7.45 am.

Having reached Tambunan, we went straight to the District Forestry Department. They couldn’t provide us any vehicle either. So the guys had to sit at the back instead. Did some shopping then came here. Menno and Johnny went to see the Ketua Kampung but had met with some problem. Firstly, we are not allowed to go to the nearest cave to this village. They harvest bats for consumption for commercial purpose. I think it abides to the natives law agreed between kampongs including this one. I personally feel that this is a good management. The cave is a restricted area and no one is allowed to enter that may scare the bats away even as far as 1 km from the cave. The bats are harvested beginning of the year ad at the end of the year. To solve this problem, we decided to visit another cave although further away. The villagers estimated a walk of 4 hours beginning at the end of the road. Four hours was an estimation for the villagers. It might take longer for us. We will return to KK on the 30th. I plan to go to the island this Sunday with Jasica and Alex.

Yesterday, I didn’t do anything much just made some minor preparation for someone to be in charge for the exhibition at gaya street. Jang offered to go, fortunately enough. Gave her the key and some instructions. She decided to bring along Homa. Met Suzainii and Christina Goonting. Chris doesn’t look local. She looks more like an Indian.

They prefer to call themselves artists enthusiasts. And therefore, a group. They were very nice and indeed enthusiastic.

As for yesterday, I attended the seminar of Bornean Diversity and Ecosystem Conservation at the Gallery, Chancellery Building. As with the day before (Mon) which was the launching Reefs at Risk Report was also on Tuesday – the launching started at 3pm instead at the IPMB new building.

30th March 2002 (8.34 am)
Going to leave very soon from now. Slept very early last night. I guess everybody’s tired. But I was the last one to sleep since I took my bath very late. Woke up at 6.27 am, maybe I’m already used to that hour. But I slept back again and eventually get off from my “sleeping bag”. Never did get to swim in the river. We can’t swim literally speaking since the water is quite shallow. But manage to brush my teeth in the river this morning since there wasn’t any tap water/gravity water.

The place gets cold only at night and the kampong people are quite shy. But very religious. Just the day when we first arrived, we had to wait for awhile to meet the kampong people after the mass had ended. We could hear choir singing from up the hill.

1st April 2002
I didn’t do anything interesting tody in UMS. Friends from Sukau called. How I miss them so much, it ever occurred to me to go there just to seem them. How I missed listening to the gibbons in the morning. I went to AMC college during lunch hour to make arrangements for 5 staffs to take full time intensive English. Suppose to meet Rusdy and Marc this evening.

5th April 2002
‐ Call En. Basri
‐ Inform Azimah and Baktihar about work this Sunday
‐ Meet Christian at 8.30 am – collect materials for Sunday
‐ Go to the bank
‐ Get 2 books photocopied
‐ Obtain info. about theme: Mengurangkan sampah
‐ Deliver attachment to Mislin

10th April 2002 (9.39 am)
I enjoyed doing the assignments because it gave me the opportunity to read more about those 2 regarding subjects. The first assignment touches on international communication. It really did open up my eyes. Although the facts were obvious since I was exposed to many cultures, only by reading can I put them in points. It increases my awareness and prepares me on how to respond to people, it motivates me to talk more in which I now know would be a subject which people from different backgrounds of culture would be interested of listening.

Europeans tend to argue a lot and the conversation lies on the talker, on how strong and persuasive their arguments could be. As for Asians, it’s the listener who should be responsible of taking in and understanding metaphors used by the talkers. I enjoyed reading but I hate writing reports. It’s like repeating things again which had already been understood.

The second assignment was about “ethics vs. laws”. This is very interesting because it’s very subjective and lends more on philosophical approach which I am really interested at. Got most of my information from the internet.

I remembered Ahmad saying that he and Fairus prefer watching comedian movies, simple movies that can make you laugh or excites you. It’s those people that loves movies which requires critical thinking and evaluating which could make better judgment in life.

22nd April 2002 (8.20 am)
I went to Tenom last Saturday. In total there were 11 of us. I really had a great time and Jasica’s friends were pretty much crazy. What I love most was the trip to Lagud Seberang.

All of us rented a bike each and we cycled around. I haven’t ridden a bike for a long time. So it was exhilarating. But I was disappointed how spentful I was. Food was where I put in my most money.

Reggie is good in reflexology. I ended up knowing that I must have serious problem with my heart and stomach. I knew that some time ago. When there were times I felt like fainting, or when for no apparent reason, my heart beats faster than usual. Or the feeling I had when I felt my heart eventually squeeze in when I was sad or touch. Probably, this illness was what gave me the ability to feel, to really feel. Being sensitive, very emotional (how I hate it sometimes), and to feel other peoples’ pain.

5th May 2002
I’m sitting at the KOCP jetty, learning a little about bird watching. Since my bino is not high in magnification, lack of experience and how swift the birds flew (hence the name), I can’t confirm the species. But I think I spotted a pair of pacific swallow (Hirundo tahitica), several individuals of white-bellied swiftlet.

6th May 2002
Yesterday (05.05.2002) did two types of field work.
primate river survey
orangutan observation

1st June 2002
I went to celebrate harvest festival 2-day in a row. The 30th was celebrated at KDCA and the 31st at the Cultural Centre. I went both with Francisca and Shirley. It feels so good to be with them again. I don’t like to be looked at as being someone who forgottens one culture and simply opted another’s.

I have longed to write everything here. Simply finding the right moment after accomplishing required chores for a little quiet time by myself, sit down and write. I don’t know why is it important for me to write whatever I’m feeling and thinking. Probably I know that by writing, I’m able to do myself a favour and help me let go of things. Therefore, I am determined to write till satisfactory is guaranteed.

I love very much my culture. I feel ashame of not being fluent in my mother tongue. I’ve tried speaking occasionally to passer-bys. I tried learning what I can about her history, old myths and origin. But I do not feel as though I belong in the community. Maybe I’m feeling just paranoid, but I know people are staring at me as though they knew me and have watched me everyday. Maybe it’s the way how I am dressed, different in any sense that draws attention and simply distinguishes me from the crowd. So as I go about my business, people simply spot me out. It feels weird as people whom I don’t know spoke to me in English, even knew my name. People like those that sell vegetables in the market and passengers in the mini van I rode with. Or how people in KK looks at me as though I’m familiar. All I want is to be left alone but treated nicely. Surely it must be due to the fact that I travel routinely between these places. And stationary people are prompted to take interest on walkways just to find interesting things to do to cover gaps of boredom.

It is very difficult for me to adjust myself between what I believe in my life and to the communal laws around me. Because as Asians, we count ourselves not as individual but as a collective group. From this, advantages and disadvantages bore out as so it is with other community structure in other parts of the world.

Maybe because I’ve spent most of my time alone, I’ve created my own definition of things and lived by principles that inspire me the most oblivious to the world around me. I know by now how naïve I am. Or simply knowing how things are but yet unwilling to adjust in this situations. I’ve tried being flexible by wearing different forms of attires suited to different crowd of people I’m with. I’ve tried to go out as often with people and talk more in conversations. But still I feel so uncomfortable. It’s as though that just by action, I could change things. That I could some part of myself that in every aspects become acceptable to everyone. I believe in action and that things could only happen if you make it to be. But I realized that whatever you do is not enough. And that life focus stochiastic changes, always not as you plan them to be. People are divided in many subgroups. Different ideological ideas that oftenly contrast between and this creates a refuge to want to belong. I would like to think that I’m able to accept any perspectives by society. The reason that I don’t take sides perhaps made me an outcast. I speak my mind bluntly, foolishly, impulsively. And yet I know that these discrimination exist although may not announced openly. What could bring me to my down fall is to speak my mind and that hasty decision to not care if everyone knew what I was thinking. I believe that the liberation to speak is good. But most be done by support of deeper understanding on a subject, knew the arguments, originally not merely borrowed form what people said, and certainty. My words are none of these. I simply speak because of silence and show. Maybe blinded by excuses, I reasoned my decision was rational.

I’m between the midst of holding my breath because I knew not of things and between the need to speak to build conversation skills and to learn to be extravagant. Of which I don’t know is right. It could also be that I’ve set too many laws in my life that the best thing to do is simply live and to not fear of making mistakes. So many times I’ve hated myself of poor judgment and wrong action. It seems to me that most of my worries were self-inflicted. I am like a child that could not keep her feelings to herself. I’m looking at a wrong direction. I believe that everyone is good that no one could ever had attention of hurting another being purposefully. I believe in relationships constructed out of love and romanticism. I believe that you could get what you want by never stopping to hope and by pure hard work. I believe that truth, sincerity and honesty will shine through eventually. I believe that kindness acts will be rewarded and appreciated.
But seems to me, that the world doesn’t go by in these terms. I feel stupid for thinking that it will. That whatever I’m doing will make a change and that individuality counts. It seems to me that I’m believing in something which is unusual. Or is it faith?

Inspite of my mother saying that the world is unfair, that unjust is what exist in this world, then all the foundation which I build in my life till today is hopeless and meaningless. All my life, I’ve dreamt of making my life something. I yearn for something more. Looking at the stars remind me of this. Or maybe I’m just looking at the wrong way. Maybe all I need to do is look.

I know that I haven’t accomplish anything that should be admired in the sense of status. I don’t even earn my own money yet. I’m not even over my studies. But this hasty urge that I have in me to live life to the fullest and the fear that I will die without feeling complete.

I’m embarrassed for being too idealistic, for having such romantic feelings, for being different, for being sensitive. I know it’s blasphemy for saying this, but for being myself. When all I wanted to do was good.

Nursery

3rd January 2002 (12.10 pm)
I realize that the personality I address to people are those that I assume, expected from me, of how I’m suppose to be rather than stating my true feelings and thoughts on any subjected matter.

I am free to use my knowledge gained from experience rather than focus on handouts compulsory to read from teachers. But I am not aware about the freedom I have to take the liberty to choose.

INFAPRO: only 10% plants are damaged (insects, consumed etc).

Does passion and faith go together?
That’s so funny. I was thinking but my gaze came to 2 Parkson labels on top of my desk. While thinking about something I was, at the same time reasoning why one label has the Parkson word on the centre and the other label, has the word aligned to the top.

Main threat to planting trees in Danum: fungus
37 dipterocarp species are used in planting.
Seeds – remove wings then dried in sun and covered by wet jut sack to hasten break of dorminancy.
Each worker carries 30 bags of plants on their bakid (rucksack).
Planted 10,000 ha out of 25,000 ha.
10% size of mesh used in nursery.

3rd January 2002
10.49 pm
For the places that I’ve been, for what I have seen and the beauty I felt, I can’t refrain myself, I can’t resist what I must do, I can’t do otherwise.

There is so much beauty in this world and yet so much pain. I thought that to live was to suffer, to learn from one’s mistakes. To fall is a privilege because one can spent only 9 months learning something which others might spent their whole life time and still not have got it.

Is growing up and gaining maturity the same? In growth, one learns how to distinguish what is right from wrong, good and bad, priorities and non-priorities. There is a thin line that separates these both, very vague. And the interpretation might differ from one individual to the other.

I hope that in whatever path I may take, I will always be true to myself.