Disturbed

In the midst of people I knew,

Where do I belong,

Am I unique,

Always judged,

Always criticised,

Somehow I feel I'm different,

Am I blessed?

I'm in a journey,

Seeking of who I am, 

Thinking, pondering, contemplating,

The journey of the soul.

Poetry my song,

Loneliness my friend,

No being can understand,

No one can comfort me.

As the wind swept across my cheeks,

Shrouding me comfort,

Drifts away my sadness,

Bringing me music of the birds,

Wipes away my tears. 

I cast my eyes at the ocean,

Wondered the beauty of nature,

When is it my turn,

To go for that walk,

To search my soul,

Where do I belong? 

MOON

In the midst of a crowd of people, 

I stood alone, 

Everybody passing, everybody rushing,

I stood still alone,

Is this the world we live in, 

Or is this the world we reflect upon?

I long to be free,

Free from all anxiety,

Free from unreality,

Free from dishonesty.

I long to be in the woods,

With the archaic trees that stood,

And sway away with the stream,

Just a place for me to lean,

To let go of this pain I feel,

This emptiness I long to fill.

Where can I run,

Where do I belong,

Run towards the sun,

I can only dream on.

Only the wind, only the light,

Only the birds, only the earth,

That give me might in my plight,

In search of truth till the time is right.

I gazed at the starling stars,

I contemplate on that lonely moon, 

So cut off from the world,

So lost...

The hills, the vermillion coloured sky, the endless

ocean, the carpets of forest, the quiet canyon,

the universe...

give sense to life.

Instinct

Everybody wants to be in control, to impress people in order to progress and go further with their career. Along the process, they set themselves apart from the world. Tribal people are always at peace in the sense they are a part of the world. They fight, yes, but never go on war. They only do because we taught them to. They just take what's enough and leave a balance. There's one way of being a part of the world again. Not to leave development and return to the primitive state but simply to abandon one thing and that is dominance. Is there anyone willing to give up power and control? Everybody wants to be God. That's the greed that humans have since ancient times. (12.03.2001)

Mattias Klum

12.03.2001 He destroyed my zest for life. The colourful world looks so bleak. The dark clouds overshadow it and I can't find my path. I walk around so aimlessly as I bumped against things in the dark and got black and blue. Like a feather, I drift with the wind. When will I touch the ground and free myself from this illusion? I stand in the cross-road again, hard to decide where to go. I search for answer but in vain, when inside I feel so damn sore. 

As the sky drew darker, the road gets narrower. Still not know where to go o' poignant little wanderer. Kept on walking, kept on breathing. For what reason, you don't know. Only hope that someday, the light will shine your way. 

Mattias Klum: If I don't know that a bronze-coloured lizard lives behind the root over there, or that strange rumbling sound from the crowns of the trees comes from the wing strokes of hornbills, if I did not notice the scratches of the civet cat's claws on the bark of the fig, would the forest then be empty and deserted? This is not a world for those who must be fed with sensational encounters with big animals. It is a world that provides marvelous meetings with small things.

02. 06. 2002 (12:15 pm)
I’m going to Gayana today with Tashi. Boat leaves from the port at 11, 12.30, 3.15, 6, 7 pm.

I noticed sudden changes in Tashi, and especially her nature towards me. At first I felt disturbed but now realized that it’s an improvement she’s trying to make. Discrimination, realizing that she must extend extra semesters, she had to be more serious. She carries herself by her own notion of what an adult is.

Everything seems to come into place. Like a piece of a puzzle that finally fits into the whole picture.

How everything seems insignificant and yet precious to me.

I believe there are signs everywhere which leads us to own path. How we are able to distinguish signs to mere coincidence. I believe that these signs, although more mundane to else, only meant for us, with every individual having different interpretations.

As I’ve went through my young life, I’ve faced many difficulties in which different feelings arise and cause us to approach situations in different perspectives. I am grateful that I’ve recalled what things that I stood for, the foundation which shaped the very being I am today. Be it inspiring quotations, the lovely book I once read, the smell and memory of the past. I once condemned my past, for which clings me. I couldn’t let go and move forward. Always haunted that left a burden unsettled in my heart. But it is not about letting go. But about accepting it. For it is now a part of us, that made us. Nothing more to feel. No sadness, no guilt, no regret, but only gratitude.

The task is, is this for real. Which does not change but grow.

(10.57 pm)

I went with Tashi to Gayana today. And the boat we took left around 330 pm. I had a wonderful time. The day seem perfect, the sea was beautiful, it didn’t rain, good company, smiling people and most importantly we swam. I even dived in once, although I was terrified but overcome that fear. I wore a bikini. By then, I didn’t care what people thought.

Tashi feels disturbed. I tried helping by listening to her laments, Although I know that may not offer good advice. I realize that what people need is just someone to listen. I believe that they already knew what must be done. Tashi talked about her uncertainty, her unsettled thesis, she feels down that she had to extend her studies and so forth. She complained much about money. Although I feel that her reasons for spending much money was absurd. But then again, I myself am not good at saving money. She considers doing facial as essential and she has materialistic needs which isn’t compatible to how much money she has in the bank. She holds vengeance towards her ex-best friend. I know how hurt that must feel. But her anger never ceases and she could not let go.

However so, to me, she’s one person that is unique and very self-opinionated which attracts me. She loves the sea because she thought she was best in it. And now singing because she is better in that than most people. She wishes a lot and that she wants what everybody has. Looking at her reminds me of myself.

Mandy called to tell me that she was beaten again by her husband. I don’t know if it was the truth or a lie. After all these years, it seems reasonable that I should have known not to trust her. But still, I feel obliged to listen although take precaution or at least hinted that I don’t believe all her stories. My mother said that I was stupid that have even bothered befriending her.

I didn’t believe in the system we live in. perhaps the reason why I didn’t like going to church is because I’m surrounded by many hypocrites. I can’t explain.

And yet in the eyes of people, I’m like a rotten person. When in fact, all that I’ve ever wanted was good. And that I try to live my life in such a way. It’s the very foundation I build my reason for living in the first place. It’s just so a way to read the pattern that I feel effortless if I were even to try to manipulate perception of people. Say the right things, wear the right clothes, hide the truth and everybody will love you. But I won’t allow myself to.

To my mother, this would be in fact be a way to survive in the “big world”. Survival of the fittest.

But to me, life isn’t about surviving at all but to be alive, to live.

I watch “dead poet society” last night. Winnie was right, I ought to watch it. I was surprised to find out that many poems quoted in the film are those that inspires me the most.

There was one time, I was working on the computer. I was sort of in a meditative state. My hands and mind were working on a subject. But at the same time I was trying to resolve a psychological problem. As I recall my memories of places and people, I came to a conclusion of what all these men wanted. And for the first time, I felt so certain about it. I guess it was partly my fault, that I myself maybe giving the wrong impression. No more was the time when girls and boys are equal. I am now seen as a woman and however I acted may be perceived as seducing to the opposite sex when in fact all I wanted to do is to express my beliefs of the equality of treatment between men and women and that all I wanted was to be friends. Seems to me now that the fate for me to have no partner, is certain.

20.06.2002
I have postponed many times, I wanted to write on this journal but then refrained. It’s as though I can’t bring myself to write whatever is in my head. I arrived on the 18th, just as I promised Marc that I will. I don’t know how much I spent. But I think that it’s about the time I started to trust myself. As I evaluate myself, although still unable to convince myself, that my actions are done based on critical judgments, so terrified that I may make big mistakes and then suffer consequences. Although I’m not perfect, although striving to be, it seems that I do think before doing something. I did a lot of thinking, just to survive in this world. I don’t know why but it always seems to me that whatever I’m doing, I feel is unimportant. I better stop criticizing myself so much and contemplating on my weaknesses, lest in the end, I’ll kill myself. Again, self-inflicted actions. Obviously, my mind was wondering somewhere, I wasn’t living in the present. Benoit left for a one week expedition to Abai today and left some things Agung gave me at Kamal’s room. Marc was also suppose to go to Tawau for an expedition but then it was put off. So he’s staying here for another 3 days before going to Sandakan. He said that it was better that way. In that we could discuss more. I’m staying in the Belian room, with larger space for 5 months. I have to learn lab techniques in October with Menno. I wonder if I should go back this July. I need to get some stuffs though. I remembered that I forgot newsletters for KOCP back home. We had a general meeting yesterday started at 9.30 am until 4.00 pm.

I received a bag of goodies from Agung. I was really intrigued by him. He’s so full of spirit. He gave me some clothes and other essential things for the field. He really took care of the things I borrowed him before that it looked very new. Obviously he cared for me, as he gave me the wrist compass afraid that something might happen to me, some antiseptics as well. But the best of his gifts, was his poem which I attached to my journal. In a way, it brings me back down to my foundations, just as when Jasica sent me the soul figures on the net. Reading his poem made me feel something for him. He gave me the opportunity , perhaps only a few people knew, a window, a pavement to himself and for that I am grateful. I guess now I somehow understood what it meant by, at this moment we have to perceive that we’re on our free will but later dawns that it was all destiny. Everyone I met and then having learnt from, essential to shaping my very being was all destined. Agung motivates me a lot. I was a bit tired in the beginning and he was like a perk. I have to remind myself, make it compulsory, a mandate that whatever happens, not to in my way, expatiate personal feelings on experiences to anyone because I know that it is destructive. I now know that not everyone is as smart as he/she looks. They have many flaws I noticed. And I have to accept that everyone is plainly like me. What is more destructive is that I’m moving in the fast lane, so petrified of showing weakness, so determine of showing my abilities, so afraid to do silly things. And these are my barriers to living. Always putting in my mind to do the only right things. But everyone has a different perception of what is right, which clearly changes from one society to another. I have to learn the cultures, the lesson, of keeping all to myself, to bear my own load. All the pains I felt through the years have prepared me for the future. Although not what I wanted or hope to be but now it seems that it was destined. I’m so afraid of being alone but everyday makes it clearer that this is how it suppose to be. I have to only rely on my journal for a friend, to express feelings that some will live with me until I die.

While folding the socks Agung gave me, I accidently scraped a skin under my nail and watched it bled again. Strange. When I was in KK, I couldn’t sleep well. Probably that’s why I’m always sleepy here. I slept all the way from KK to simpang Sukau. There was one time, because couldn’t sleep watch TV until 4 am. Or should I say the TV was watching me. I was thinking about Merijn before going to sleep, in my dreams and the first thing that hits me in the morning was the song he told me to listen, “by the way” by Red Hot Chili Pepper. I was trying to figure out if he likes me and that should I give a respond. But I know it was impossible therefore resisted from being clumsy. I didn’t call last time I met them last Wednesday (12.06.2002). Somehow I knew the truth. I asked myself this question, how am I suppose to leave when my heart was here? But upon surviving here, I console myself by thinking that everything will turn all right and what will certainly stop me is for me to think otherwise and “worry unduly”.

I will go to the forest today at 12.00 pm.

(10.46 am)

26.06.2002 (5.33 pm)
At least I’m all alone and the genset is off, so there isn’t any work I can do. It’s good to have some time off, that way I can write and expatiate everything inside. That is until Kamal might come in and bug me again.

He’s everywhere which is so irritating. He’s like a kid, like Agung, wanting someone to play with. At least Agung I can tolerate. He has some qualities which I admire and peaks at the moment I found a poem he left for me. Which I think is pretty romantic of him. It’s like a surprise, I love surprises just like the time I flicked through the Neglected Ape book and found the pink bookmark which obviously he placed on purpose. Prior to this, when he was here, I saw the bookmark he placed in the “mammals of Borneo” book. I found it and gave it back to him. Maybe just pretending not to know, it was in fact for me. I guess looks does matter after all which is the reality. But as I come across the poem “But Not Today”, I was more attracted and I knew that I wanted to know him more. I’m trying to keep as silent as possible, I’m afraid that Kamal would know that I’m inside this room and will come then come banging in. Just like when I was at the new station (Marc’s place), just of a sudden he showed up. Thank God Benoit was there. He looked lost, I gave him the most obvious gesture without being impolite as I could, telling him duh don’t bother me, get away. So not wanting to be embarrassed he simply asked me, like nothing else to say, do you know how to contact Diana? After that he just left, thank God again. Usually when the others are playing volleyball, I stayed wanting to finish any work at least something just to fill my time, and so did he. Today, just arriving from Marc’s place, I saw him playing volleyball. I think that’s him just arrived in his room. He gives me the goose-bumps and such action persists since the last time I was here. I wish that he’s able to continue his studies and end my misery. But back then, it was just for a short while I don’t know if I can stand it now, since I’ll be living here for 5 months. People here are weird, it seems hard to cope with each different attitudes, different perception, different goals. I guess I’m just not built for this and today’s experience is simply to cover this inability. I will try though. But overall I think it’s better than being at home. I like to think that what I’m doing here is important, I hope that it is. I suppose I don’t care how much money I’ll be getting, how much trials to go, just so that I might believe in what I’m doing does and will make a change, just to prove that my very existence does in fact matter, in contrary to what my mother says. Being here teaches me not to cry, even at home, there are many eyes watching lest being called a weakling. I wanted to tell everyone that Agung was my boyfriend, to save me from these people whom I believe might see an escape route to leave this place and doing something different. I don’t mean to judge. Marc and Benoit might think that I’m acting peculiar but circumstances made me so. Mislin asked me seeing a picture of Tashi up the wall, if she was my boyfriend. And I said yes. She might think that I’m a lesbian, I hope so and perhaps she’ll spread the news around and these boys will just get off me. What kept me busy and at least happy, is for me to focus on doing work. I’d rather go into the forest of course with someone I’m ok with. Telling everyone that Agung was my boyfriend wouldn’t be right as well, I might hurt him again in the process.

I’ve been dreaming about orangutans twice. The first, of Jenny and Etin in the forest when Mislin and I found them that very way. The second, as I remembered were four, 2 females and 2 males in a cage. I tried releasing them and I was crying profusely. Worst, they were caged by my family which was horrifying.

I also dreamt about Merijn, also in the forest. This time what I remember the most or looked highlighted were his eyes. My feelings towards him were sincere or could it just be the situation between Agung and I. Like a kid, maybe I too wanted to play, but with my own choice of a partner. I know that I should. I sense that he too likes me but just like some people I know, for the wrong reasons. However I also know that our pathway intertwine due to destiny. I know that the experience I had have some meanings, to teach me somehow to prepare for what may come. Like Agung once say to me, I have to defend myself. Like Lindley, he’s the second person I’ve ever met that wore mix-matched socks.

I don’t know where I’m heading and I’m afraid to know that I may go to the wrong path. But I also know that many damage was self-inflicted, I follow my emotions too much. This time, I will follow where ever opportunity may take me. Maybe or possibly longer time from now, I may able to go to my own liking and make my dreams come true. I knew that it is still burning hot and I know that my dreams are meant to be. For this, I believe, is why I am here. I sure hope that I am right.

Perhaps these are signs of growing up, I become more silent that ever, I begin to learn to keep personal feelings and events only to myself, begin to smile when necessary even during adversities. And so it is with the rest of my days. It is to be, a preparation. Only for what, is yet for me to know, someday, if I might have the chance to.

Obviously, I don’t look keen in what I’m doing. Perhaps I begin to erode the trust. I’m searching for something more sincere, something more which I can connect to personally. But here, this is the very best I can find. Not perfect but enough. I just hope that I am not tied up and then I might move on to next. I’d like to imagine myself on a passerby and simply to do my very best in whatever I can do in every stop. Maybe this is also why I have the tendency to do my work with keen. I’m searching for a place that I can call home and find a sense of belonging. I am willing to give up everything but to give my very best with condition that we share the same beliefs.

I was disturbed. Had a short drink and discussed about work I can do here in Sukau. I was told that I was taken in not because I was doing my MSc. but because I wanted to do. Based on these remarks, I conclude that my presence is not significant that I may not bring change. I wish if they could only say, I would like to leave and go somewhere that I am needed. I thought of somewhere else but I don’t have much trust. They might serve for they own very own interest or perhaps they’re not doing the right thing.

Maybe afraid again of saying anything wrong, I kept my silence. It is better this way. Opportunity is there, maybe family will be happy, bosses might say look what we’ve made her etc etc. Just like Reggie says (which I didn’t know even exist before), there are 2 types of successes: you could either be successful/unsuccessful or successful/successful. He’s sort of like a fortune teller which everything he says is just about the situation in which I expect will be. I know I was told not to reminiscence or romanticize memories anymore, but the only thing that I really want of today, is to really see Lindley again. I know that to him, I would merely be a speck of dirt in his memory. I am a fool I know but what can a girl do but dream?

Blasphemy

18th February 2002 (8.42 pm)
Kurnia Perdana
I talked with Sabrina for a little while. From my short conversation, I knew then, how little I knew about her and her capabilities. I regret the fact, how little effort I took to understand about people and their capabilities. I remember again, that everyone meant good. Pain due to hurt, distrust are things which kill people and shape society. Unintentional actions produced which caused more hurt. A little imagination is what is required to overcome ordeal. I wish I could at least took the time to care more, understand more, criticize less and judge less. How could I ask for myself to be cared when in fact I showed the same gesture to people around me. I was amazed by Sabrina. She somehow knew or at least contemplate about life. It may also be due to my lack of attention to people. I regret the extensive time I had in my life in which I didn’t use to connect with people. Fear is probably the motivating factor which held me from doing things which I ought to. We know less about people and somehow judge people accordingly.

Being with people also reminds me how much strength and courage I have. Not being people made me dismiss my own qualities in which succumbed me to sadness. It is true, no man is an island. It isn’t the quality of time which we have is important but in how we decide to use the time given.

I had a dream last night, that I was in India. Shirley was also there and I was so happy. What’s funny was, my mother had a boyfriend, and that man was an orang puteh. He pretty much looked like someone I know. My mother bought me a sari, red in colour. And it was too damn expensive. The shop keeper gave me a price of RM421 when originally it was RM450.
Shirley and I then went walking about; we went to some flea market and the beach. I loved the beach. We watched the sun as we strolled along. I remember such deam, another one, when I went to Thessaloniki, at a rocky island and watched the sun. It was a happy moment, I dreamt that I had 2 choices of which food stall to go. One stall had the best looking chicken, the other one had cheap looking food. So I went to that stall instead. I imagined that the food would be cheaper as well but wasn’t. The stall that offered better food was in fact cheaper. But the stall which I ate had friendly service. I think this is how I live my life. I’m incapable of making the best choice but I try to keep a positive outlook to the decision I took. I’m afraid of regrets.

14th March 2002 (4.15 pm)
I started my practical on the 11th. All the staffs are busy with the entomology course since there are more entomologists. The launching was today. I helped a bit by carrying the books and at the registration corner. Twenty-four participants are supposed to show up but only 22 did. We received people from KOCP, DVFC, pest control, Jabatan Kesihatan KK and Sandakan etc. there were some UMS students as well including Sabslim and Saidi.

That’s all what I did today. Plus looking at Din’s pictures and listening about his experience in Italy in the afternoon.

Talked with Lucy in the morning mostly about her kid, Affendi. We together re-arranged the samples collected in the bilik basah. She seems to be a good mother, always talking about her kid, very concern and always taking part in doing his homework. I wish my mom was more like her. I promised kak Lucy to teach Affendi some English. I also gave her some surgical blades and other utensils.

The first day, I started by re-arranging the posters for exhibition. The theme: 3R, going to be held in Hyatt hotel next Monday (18/03/2002). Zainal also introduced me to Dr. Zahedi.

19th March 2002 (8.39 am)
I didn’t go to UMS. Spent the whole day at Hyatt. My job was to set up the posters by EAC. Expected to get a certificate later. Organized by DBKK. Was very sleepy. Didn’t sleep the whole night before. Spent hours making new posters as creative possible. Many were impressed.

They were not looking what I wrote. Instead, because they looked pretty. Tried to use as much recycled materials i.e. cardboard boxes and recycle papers. Put some dried flower, barks and shells.

The food was great though. I was amazed by how much food we could eat. They probably put out a lot of money on this. Or Hyatt might just sponsor the occasion. I ate three times and puke later. Other bodies were invited. Met Chai (practical with EAC), Bagon (with DBKK) and other 2 practical UMS students (DBKM). Met 2 first years: Felix from Labuan and Lennie from Science Social. Had some talks with Tzu Chin – was invited to come to help out on Sundays. They comfort cancer patients, garbage cleaning, orphan house on Sundays. Conventional to Buddhist religion, believed that Buddha is not god but an enlightened human. Describe human as having 4 purposes. Gave a small booklet of teachings.

21st March 2002 (Thursday)
‐ Help with entomology course – souvenir bags.
‐ Call Christine Goonting and Felicity Jim for Gaya booth on Sunday – make arrangements.
‐ Make photocopies of EAC members form.
‐ Taught Effendi.

22nd March 2002 (Friday)
‐ Clean/prepare bird for mounting.
‐ Met and discuss with Dr. Maryati.

23rd March 2002 (Saturday)
‐ Meeting at gallery, Chancellor – JICA – Biodiversity and Ecosystem Conservation.
‐ Prepare for exhibition on Sunday.
‐ Fax programme to Ben (Innoprise).
‐ Prepare gallery room.

GEF: Global Environment Facility
ODA: Official Development Assistance
OPEC: Organisation for Petroleum Exporting Countries
POP: Persistent Organic Pollutant
UNCED: United Nations Conference on Environment and Development
UNDP: United Nations Development Programme
UNEP: United Nations Environment Programme
UNESCO: United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation
WTO: World Trade Organisation
WSSD: World Summit for Social Development

After the Earth Summit (I) in Rio de Janeiro, countries condition in abide with Agenda 21 were SLUDGE (Slightly Less Development Genuflecting to the Environment). Second Earth Summit in New York stated that need to change from SLUDGE to DREAMS (Development Reconciling Environmental and Material Success). Next Earth Summit in 2002 – every 5 years.

Rob Lake, Royal Society for the Protection of Birds: problem in Earth Summit II – declining aid budgets in third world – Developed countries low finance. What need to be discussed in Earth Summit III:
1). How financial tools can best be used to do variety jobs à different types of environmental protection (from biodiversity to sewage treatment)
2). Different priority tasks for development (from health cue to export promotion)
Ref: Bigg, T. and Osborn, D. 1998. Earth Summit II. Outcomes and Analysis. UK: Earth Scan Publications Limited. Pg. 20

John R. Flenley. The Equatorial Rainforest. A geological history.
Before people thought that equatorial forest is stable not affected by ice ages of temperate regions. But 5 years after, found that got effect – equatorial area become arid not pluvials in state of considerable instability especially in montane areas.

… to suggest that fluoristic diversity endowed stability is not true. Jungle comes from sunskrit word “jangala” which means desert (Ollier, 1974).

28th March 2002 (9.35 pm)
TRUSMADI
Small scale expedition to the base of Trusmadi mountain. It’s not so cold here. Came in with 8 other participants: Menno and 4 of his students (Rambo, Muij, Merijn and Herman), Monica, Johnny and Azrie. We left the uni. At 9 something but only began to travel to Tambunan at 12 something since something wasn’t right with the invader. Poor Johnny, Azri, Muij and Rambo, they had to take the bus instead because no other vehicle except for the invader. I actually arrived at the uni. earlier at 7.45 am.

Having reached Tambunan, we went straight to the District Forestry Department. They couldn’t provide us any vehicle either. So the guys had to sit at the back instead. Did some shopping then came here. Menno and Johnny went to see the Ketua Kampung but had met with some problem. Firstly, we are not allowed to go to the nearest cave to this village. They harvest bats for consumption for commercial purpose. I think it abides to the natives law agreed between kampongs including this one. I personally feel that this is a good management. The cave is a restricted area and no one is allowed to enter that may scare the bats away even as far as 1 km from the cave. The bats are harvested beginning of the year ad at the end of the year. To solve this problem, we decided to visit another cave although further away. The villagers estimated a walk of 4 hours beginning at the end of the road. Four hours was an estimation for the villagers. It might take longer for us. We will return to KK on the 30th. I plan to go to the island this Sunday with Jasica and Alex.

Yesterday, I didn’t do anything much just made some minor preparation for someone to be in charge for the exhibition at gaya street. Jang offered to go, fortunately enough. Gave her the key and some instructions. She decided to bring along Homa. Met Suzainii and Christina Goonting. Chris doesn’t look local. She looks more like an Indian.

They prefer to call themselves artists enthusiasts. And therefore, a group. They were very nice and indeed enthusiastic.

As for yesterday, I attended the seminar of Bornean Diversity and Ecosystem Conservation at the Gallery, Chancellery Building. As with the day before (Mon) which was the launching Reefs at Risk Report was also on Tuesday – the launching started at 3pm instead at the IPMB new building.

30th March 2002 (8.34 am)
Going to leave very soon from now. Slept very early last night. I guess everybody’s tired. But I was the last one to sleep since I took my bath very late. Woke up at 6.27 am, maybe I’m already used to that hour. But I slept back again and eventually get off from my “sleeping bag”. Never did get to swim in the river. We can’t swim literally speaking since the water is quite shallow. But manage to brush my teeth in the river this morning since there wasn’t any tap water/gravity water.

The place gets cold only at night and the kampong people are quite shy. But very religious. Just the day when we first arrived, we had to wait for awhile to meet the kampong people after the mass had ended. We could hear choir singing from up the hill.

1st April 2002
I didn’t do anything interesting tody in UMS. Friends from Sukau called. How I miss them so much, it ever occurred to me to go there just to seem them. How I missed listening to the gibbons in the morning. I went to AMC college during lunch hour to make arrangements for 5 staffs to take full time intensive English. Suppose to meet Rusdy and Marc this evening.

5th April 2002
‐ Call En. Basri
‐ Inform Azimah and Baktihar about work this Sunday
‐ Meet Christian at 8.30 am – collect materials for Sunday
‐ Go to the bank
‐ Get 2 books photocopied
‐ Obtain info. about theme: Mengurangkan sampah
‐ Deliver attachment to Mislin

10th April 2002 (9.39 am)
I enjoyed doing the assignments because it gave me the opportunity to read more about those 2 regarding subjects. The first assignment touches on international communication. It really did open up my eyes. Although the facts were obvious since I was exposed to many cultures, only by reading can I put them in points. It increases my awareness and prepares me on how to respond to people, it motivates me to talk more in which I now know would be a subject which people from different backgrounds of culture would be interested of listening.

Europeans tend to argue a lot and the conversation lies on the talker, on how strong and persuasive their arguments could be. As for Asians, it’s the listener who should be responsible of taking in and understanding metaphors used by the talkers. I enjoyed reading but I hate writing reports. It’s like repeating things again which had already been understood.

The second assignment was about “ethics vs. laws”. This is very interesting because it’s very subjective and lends more on philosophical approach which I am really interested at. Got most of my information from the internet.

I remembered Ahmad saying that he and Fairus prefer watching comedian movies, simple movies that can make you laugh or excites you. It’s those people that loves movies which requires critical thinking and evaluating which could make better judgment in life.

22nd April 2002 (8.20 am)
I went to Tenom last Saturday. In total there were 11 of us. I really had a great time and Jasica’s friends were pretty much crazy. What I love most was the trip to Lagud Seberang.

All of us rented a bike each and we cycled around. I haven’t ridden a bike for a long time. So it was exhilarating. But I was disappointed how spentful I was. Food was where I put in my most money.

Reggie is good in reflexology. I ended up knowing that I must have serious problem with my heart and stomach. I knew that some time ago. When there were times I felt like fainting, or when for no apparent reason, my heart beats faster than usual. Or the feeling I had when I felt my heart eventually squeeze in when I was sad or touch. Probably, this illness was what gave me the ability to feel, to really feel. Being sensitive, very emotional (how I hate it sometimes), and to feel other peoples’ pain.

5th May 2002
I’m sitting at the KOCP jetty, learning a little about bird watching. Since my bino is not high in magnification, lack of experience and how swift the birds flew (hence the name), I can’t confirm the species. But I think I spotted a pair of pacific swallow (Hirundo tahitica), several individuals of white-bellied swiftlet.

6th May 2002
Yesterday (05.05.2002) did two types of field work.
primate river survey
orangutan observation

1st June 2002
I went to celebrate harvest festival 2-day in a row. The 30th was celebrated at KDCA and the 31st at the Cultural Centre. I went both with Francisca and Shirley. It feels so good to be with them again. I don’t like to be looked at as being someone who forgottens one culture and simply opted another’s.

I have longed to write everything here. Simply finding the right moment after accomplishing required chores for a little quiet time by myself, sit down and write. I don’t know why is it important for me to write whatever I’m feeling and thinking. Probably I know that by writing, I’m able to do myself a favour and help me let go of things. Therefore, I am determined to write till satisfactory is guaranteed.

I love very much my culture. I feel ashame of not being fluent in my mother tongue. I’ve tried speaking occasionally to passer-bys. I tried learning what I can about her history, old myths and origin. But I do not feel as though I belong in the community. Maybe I’m feeling just paranoid, but I know people are staring at me as though they knew me and have watched me everyday. Maybe it’s the way how I am dressed, different in any sense that draws attention and simply distinguishes me from the crowd. So as I go about my business, people simply spot me out. It feels weird as people whom I don’t know spoke to me in English, even knew my name. People like those that sell vegetables in the market and passengers in the mini van I rode with. Or how people in KK looks at me as though I’m familiar. All I want is to be left alone but treated nicely. Surely it must be due to the fact that I travel routinely between these places. And stationary people are prompted to take interest on walkways just to find interesting things to do to cover gaps of boredom.

It is very difficult for me to adjust myself between what I believe in my life and to the communal laws around me. Because as Asians, we count ourselves not as individual but as a collective group. From this, advantages and disadvantages bore out as so it is with other community structure in other parts of the world.

Maybe because I’ve spent most of my time alone, I’ve created my own definition of things and lived by principles that inspire me the most oblivious to the world around me. I know by now how naïve I am. Or simply knowing how things are but yet unwilling to adjust in this situations. I’ve tried being flexible by wearing different forms of attires suited to different crowd of people I’m with. I’ve tried to go out as often with people and talk more in conversations. But still I feel so uncomfortable. It’s as though that just by action, I could change things. That I could some part of myself that in every aspects become acceptable to everyone. I believe in action and that things could only happen if you make it to be. But I realized that whatever you do is not enough. And that life focus stochiastic changes, always not as you plan them to be. People are divided in many subgroups. Different ideological ideas that oftenly contrast between and this creates a refuge to want to belong. I would like to think that I’m able to accept any perspectives by society. The reason that I don’t take sides perhaps made me an outcast. I speak my mind bluntly, foolishly, impulsively. And yet I know that these discrimination exist although may not announced openly. What could bring me to my down fall is to speak my mind and that hasty decision to not care if everyone knew what I was thinking. I believe that the liberation to speak is good. But most be done by support of deeper understanding on a subject, knew the arguments, originally not merely borrowed form what people said, and certainty. My words are none of these. I simply speak because of silence and show. Maybe blinded by excuses, I reasoned my decision was rational.

I’m between the midst of holding my breath because I knew not of things and between the need to speak to build conversation skills and to learn to be extravagant. Of which I don’t know is right. It could also be that I’ve set too many laws in my life that the best thing to do is simply live and to not fear of making mistakes. So many times I’ve hated myself of poor judgment and wrong action. It seems to me that most of my worries were self-inflicted. I am like a child that could not keep her feelings to herself. I’m looking at a wrong direction. I believe that everyone is good that no one could ever had attention of hurting another being purposefully. I believe in relationships constructed out of love and romanticism. I believe that you could get what you want by never stopping to hope and by pure hard work. I believe that truth, sincerity and honesty will shine through eventually. I believe that kindness acts will be rewarded and appreciated.
But seems to me, that the world doesn’t go by in these terms. I feel stupid for thinking that it will. That whatever I’m doing will make a change and that individuality counts. It seems to me that I’m believing in something which is unusual. Or is it faith?

Inspite of my mother saying that the world is unfair, that unjust is what exist in this world, then all the foundation which I build in my life till today is hopeless and meaningless. All my life, I’ve dreamt of making my life something. I yearn for something more. Looking at the stars remind me of this. Or maybe I’m just looking at the wrong way. Maybe all I need to do is look.

I know that I haven’t accomplish anything that should be admired in the sense of status. I don’t even earn my own money yet. I’m not even over my studies. But this hasty urge that I have in me to live life to the fullest and the fear that I will die without feeling complete.

I’m embarrassed for being too idealistic, for having such romantic feelings, for being different, for being sensitive. I know it’s blasphemy for saying this, but for being myself. When all I wanted to do was good.

Nursery

3rd January 2002 (12.10 pm)
I realize that the personality I address to people are those that I assume, expected from me, of how I’m suppose to be rather than stating my true feelings and thoughts on any subjected matter.

I am free to use my knowledge gained from experience rather than focus on handouts compulsory to read from teachers. But I am not aware about the freedom I have to take the liberty to choose.

INFAPRO: only 10% plants are damaged (insects, consumed etc).

Does passion and faith go together?
That’s so funny. I was thinking but my gaze came to 2 Parkson labels on top of my desk. While thinking about something I was, at the same time reasoning why one label has the Parkson word on the centre and the other label, has the word aligned to the top.

Main threat to planting trees in Danum: fungus
37 dipterocarp species are used in planting.
Seeds – remove wings then dried in sun and covered by wet jut sack to hasten break of dorminancy.
Each worker carries 30 bags of plants on their bakid (rucksack).
Planted 10,000 ha out of 25,000 ha.
10% size of mesh used in nursery.

3rd January 2002
10.49 pm
For the places that I’ve been, for what I have seen and the beauty I felt, I can’t refrain myself, I can’t resist what I must do, I can’t do otherwise.

There is so much beauty in this world and yet so much pain. I thought that to live was to suffer, to learn from one’s mistakes. To fall is a privilege because one can spent only 9 months learning something which others might spent their whole life time and still not have got it.

Is growing up and gaining maturity the same? In growth, one learns how to distinguish what is right from wrong, good and bad, priorities and non-priorities. There is a thin line that separates these both, very vague. And the interpretation might differ from one individual to the other.

I hope that in whatever path I may take, I will always be true to myself.