Trip to Danum

20th December 2001 (9.56 pm)
Danum Valley Field Centre
It was about 6.30pm and I was standing just outside the male hostel as I draw my eyes to the view in front of me. I almost cried by my absolute adoration to the beauty I see. I saw beauty in creation. It was a blue hue of picture. Tall emergent trees stood in silhouettes and the Columbus cloud drifted blown by the wind. This fragment picture reminds me that beauty exists in life – the tapestry of life.

This trip to Danum is a special one. Although I came in as a group, I am certain that I will leave as one. Probably my mind is set in the mood that despite the crowdy surrounding, I’m making this journey on my own.

Wanting to prove something, wanting to be accepted or to be liked is an illusion on itself. Having something to cling on, brings vexation. The feeling of trying and trying so hard to grasp hold of something lest you might lose it. The answer is simple really but it takes great courage to just let go. I don’t think I have that courage yet. Insecure is what we get in trying to reach security.

I enjoyed the conversation I had with Isa. For the first time, I feel like I was telling my own story and that I was able to be myself.
I told her about my feelings about my future. My worries about where to work after all of this. Things are very complicated than once thought. I seem to understand all these happenings, but I still maintain that naïve look of a child. Perhaps I can’t be what I am expected to be, somebody with a strong character and that has control or power. I still maintain that my way will shine through. Although perspectively, being stringent or hard is not wrong, why do feel that it is. I’ve always wanted to do something different, in a less conventional way. Just like when I decided to spent 3-years of university life at home rather than staying at the hostel. But I realize now, that I should’ve chosen the latter. Life would be more easier. I will have more fun hanging out with my friends, going out often and plus copy assignments and free-access to class notes.

Inspite of this, I feel a small tinge of proudness of being able to have gone through this ordeal all by myself with less deceit.

Today, we went for the nature trail with Dato as our guide and he told us something about the trees. Alex gave a short talk concerning DVFC. Tomorrow, we’ll have a bird watching session, have breakfast and then at 8 am, depart for our 3 km walk to Tembeling waterfall. They estimate the walk to be 2 hours. At 2.30pm, take a visit to FACE and night safari after that. The next day, watch the sunset and then, walk to the place wjere we can see ancient coffins age 200-300 years old made from Belian.

Took us 30 minute to reach the junction to Sukau from Isa’s house, another hour to reach the town of Lahad Datu around 10-15 minutes to the junction to Danum and less than 2 hours to reach DVFC.

A WALKABOUT

Sitting down, knees fold,
Eyes gazed on the open space,
What is she thinking?
Nothing.
What is she feeling?
So many things.

The Stillness, her song,
As the whole world drift along,

She looks up at the stars,
And see the butterflies dancing,
She contemplate on the grass,
And watch the colours glowing,

As the wind caress her face,
She listens, enthralled by the song of the birds,
Watch, how they glide and twirl with grace,
But still, she questions, what’s this that hurt?

Her gaze went far with the breeze,
To the massive structure of the pyramids,
And great monuments of archaic trees,
And saw the African lions as they feed,

Wild people, colourful beads and dress,
Reflects the colour shades of skin,
An array of dialects, a spectrum of race,
Imagined, she asks, what makes us akin?

Pace by pace, she walks to the canyon,
And felt the warm earth beneath her feet,
As the marvel the richness beyond horizon,
Till the sun turns to moon, only to realise it was a gift,

And still, what is this that felt so hurt?
And what is this that felt so empty?
What is this that felt so confused?
What is this that felt so lost?

What is this that she’s searching for?
What is this that she’s seeking for?
Something virtual or reality?
Or the world with its hidden humility?

Then she understood, to look instead to see,
Of that which bind the Dance to the Dancer,
As the wave, the Ocean no better than the sea,
Of the book-reveal wisdom, never to falter,

The world, the mirror of heaven,
Nature, temple of the maker,
As a teacher to the be savant,
Thus she knew, what could be greater?

To acquire comprehension, the Grace from God,
No boundaries, no conditions, no mandatory,
Of that answer beckons to be sought,
And alas, to be free…

Then I saw her smiled.

Fenna

I haven’t been writing for so long. It’s as though I’m trying to figure out things. At this moment, I guess I’m not in a state of confusion, just uncomfortable. I feel that reality has opened up itself to me, as though truth has been revealed. Perhaps, this is what people say about culture shock. Or merely coming from the eyes of a person who spent many years concealed later to be brought forward and exposed to the real world. I’ve been living in a world of my own, establishing my own moral values and what are considered right regardless of how society or the so-called “real world” orientates. Somehow, I regret this. I remembered one Emeritus professor from Holland once said to me that humans are social beings and that they can’t live alone. Those who did dressed differently, acted differently. I feel grateful that I had so many teachers and those that tolerate my irritable being. What I feel now is a very long sigh. I’m still trying to consider whether to continue for my MSc or not. At times or maybe many times, after considering much, I didn’t want to go through this which I’m afraid will turn out bad. But my instincts say that I should. I wonder where has my faith gone. Where has that girl who eagerly wanted even to the extents of believing that she could in fact change the world, able to make a difference. This may be the time when a phase in our life, we feel as though we’ve been grind to dirt and feel totally hopeless. This may be the time in which what I once believed were all rubbish created by people who lived in illusion. But where is the girl who knew and despite this still kept believing that “this way” will indeed eventually shine through? Looking back at my life, I think that I was better or before I believed that I could do anything and so many things. Maybe because I’ve lost the security I once held and let go everything which clings us. I feel like I’m left with zero and had to start all over again. I have to start building back my confidence. Where are all my experience? I thought that they are supposed to be embedded in us and make us stronger and better? Is this humility which I’ve asked for. This world is indeed very tiring; everything seems wrong and yet right. It all depends on what side are you looking at. Therefore differs to the perception of different individual. I once revere nature, the mirror of God. What is there to find but to simply look. Now, I feel that I want more. I fear nature.

This morning remind me of this though. I was positioned on top of a hill detecting gibbon vocalization for the census. There was one bird, I think a Trogon. I was amazed by the exuberance, envious of how it celebrates life. This may be a romanticized view though, being sentimental. The bird was flying over my head several times. That is if I were to stand, the poor bird might directly hit me. To the bird, I could perhaps be a challenge. Criss-crossing above could probably bring an adrenaline rush to it as we humans seek for adventure in traveling or even trekking across these jungles. That bird simply flew up and down. Flapping its wings, gaining momentum, heading towards the sky, paused at mid-air then begin flapping again as it began to drop down. Seeing that bird, as it appeared to be enjoying the very life in which it was created. Contemplating on that bird, I felt so much wonder and beauty which I’ve long forgotten or rather ignored before that brought me to the verge of tears. I am a troubled person I suppose.