With all my heart

My mother once said to me, to be Cruel is to be Kind. I have dwelled upon this question during my writing up. I came upon this question not because I was driven to seek for this dilemma. I was utterly amazed as to how the orangutans lived. And while writing, I came to a word that strikes in the middle where I ought to put it, to perfectly describe their nature. Kindness. So the very same resolution resonates from what my mother said that to me. How would I justify to this new deliverance? My best-friend Tashi, once said to me, the more you try to justify truth, the further away you are from it.

Maybe there is a reason. And that there is a purpose to not question and that the only best thing, is result. The answer. But that's bullshit! I'm just so glad that my university propose a second best thing put into place after this, and that is processes. Who are you to believe? No matter where you run, goodness will always prevail. How corny would it sound? But everywhere I see, that's always true.

There is right and there is wrong. And No means No. So the right thing to do, is yes you can always question. Then why is that you could be cruel to be kind? My mother believed in discipline. It's not enough how hard I try to ignore it to know that I come into my common sense that what she's trying to do is to make me a tough person. To be able to fit it into a tough world. She had gone through a lot. What makes her believe that I would, the same?

There goes another saying that says Survival of the Fittest. Why do all scientists vote for that? Yes, it's true that this world is only lived by those that strikes at midnight. But then, the world is pre-conditioned. It is an art of a physical state. But vola, the human is the only thing that can jump-start a big bang! Shoot a star off it's orbital course. It's devious and unthinkable. Why do you want to go separate ways? Why ya wanna swim against the waves? Survival of the fittest. Humans have the exceptional ability to intrude, to be rude and physically ruthless. That's not normal. Well at least, to what I know from my equation. Or not, we all go obliterated!

My other question is about human endurance. If there is a thing as survival of the fittest then where does it bring to a place on durability? They either go extinct or deformed. That is what you can do to one another. You might feel devious, but put into sense that is just intra-specific competition. But given a matrix, where just ONE single being can make a difference, you can imagine what can happen. It goes bizerk! Because what do you expect, as a scientist, I would call it a mixture of putative fathers. But in genetic, you know the Father. So there then comes the crux, and nothing else is more nasty than having you follow the way to the Cross. Religion gave me a path to follow the light. And to show to others and let them lead the way. With else beckons! With my book and staff. The statue of Liberty comes into mind. Axis of evil. Yes, the fascist are a group of people that rebells without a cause. They have nothing to guide them, and they go jumping from one community to another with no direction, no objectives. Why do you want to do something that kills a person and then kill you later on? Godless.

With this in mind, and a trajectory to Kindness and Goodness as I found in my equation to the exceptional beauty of knowledge acquisition from ancient civilizations, what do you ask about the very basic subject that had us wondering in the beginning? Quantum. What actually happens in the black hole? Is it a deformity? An extinction? The other subject that wants you to ask is gravity and angle. I have buried myself into them. But I could only imply. Well I don't know actually. Maybe there is a thing as a theory of relativity. That the minute the planet dies it's orbital trajectory eventually coinciding with the black hole. Or that maybe, the black hole is just one magnificent creation in nature of the universe capable of absorbing light where there isn't any. And the beginning of dawn but excites the curiosity of science and how we regulate and keep order in a very turbulent society. To be Cruel is to be Kind. On Second Thought..

Terian

I remember the droplets of water on my mother's car. She was driving while scolding at me. Over something I didn't know about what. But I know her moods, and have been accustomed to this, being a single mom. She was driving, and it was raining. I was watching sideways of the window as we past through picturistique scenes of the kampong but what I noticed most were the droplets. On my journey to a remote kampong located at the Crocker range, the people told me of a story of why they call their kampong Terian. It's because when there is no water, which is vital for drinking, the water turns only into droplets, menteri-teri. That is why, they discovered how important it is for them to conserve their ecosystem as catchment areas so that we will always have clean water.

About the droplets, I couldn't understand why in their nature do they attach to one another as they do. Later on do I understand, that there is affinity in water to create the smallest space could be possible given the equanimity they are in the atoms of the water. So this very concept applies to the thesis I was writing. I found of a quantum leap in orangutans. That there is a triple binary star when they coordinate in the forest and how do they stabilise their number given the proportionate having to deliver to mortality and deduction of a scale of a magnitude population size in a habitat. This is Science. And the application to conservation is even more intrinsic. It applies to implementation and understanding of nature. To the inquisitive mormon of the revelation of God and it's humility in nature as we see it. Humanity, as we see in its Science and Godly works.  It's a creation of a civilization, nothing new. As old as history itself. And the complete acquisition of understanding of chemistry, physics and the biology of art in human form. The complete abduction of dedication and commitment towards this art that awesomely mesmerised the complete sovereignty of people. What could trigger a collision of stars is a big bang! Nah, I'm only kidding. But what could actually overcome this stability of art that exists for thousands of years. Is there a need of supremacy and dominion? According to the model, there is. But what about territoriality? In primatology, orangutans show territoriality in an expanse area while dominancy in a fragmented area and may be a sign of defect although I might not agree so. Territoriality may show a sign of robustness  and the inquiry of large accumulated lands. Dominancy on the other hand, balance rules and regulations, but not aggression. The system is led by a patriarch who led by order and compassion. This can only be found in orangutans. That is why I call this model polygenuity which stands for a polygynous system but with true ingenuity. And that the system led an egalitarian kind of lifestyle.

Contact. Elle Arroway was the first Scientist that went through a transportation system towards the centre of the universe. She found a duplicate blueprint on how to build it. This sci-fi movie inspired me of how I conceptualise my thesis. And talking about quantum leap, she took a leap of faith on the politics of Science and the perception of society towards Science.

I wish to see my father in Heaven. Here, is Paradise. I dedicate this passage to Yvonne Gom, my cousin and bestfriend.  

At ends meet..

Mine to take.. This is the first commentary story that I write without personally having faith to guide me. I know it must be hard. But one thing that brought me to write is something disturbing of one tale that beckons you to listen to what one see in a chimp's eye? A Nigerian friend of mine, after having him fiercely convinced about having humans intruding into conservation had led him to tell me about a phrase popularised by Jane Goodall. He said, you can't help feel disturbed when you look a chimp on the eye, because in their eyes, you see yourself. There are people willing to listen, and there are people who listen but do nothing. It may also be there's a reason to it, a marital bliss! But I feel appalled to why there is no affinity towards the human feeling to see suffering. Maybe, if we look upon the cross, something greater might move us. Or when we are directed to action, something of a devious kind might move us to generate something of greater magnitude but devastating. I feel very sad, that no one sees this. Or even dared to look.

The only thing that makes it bearable is each other, I remember of a special bond between a mother orangutan and her baby. And I couldn't uponly reflect this with my mother.  I am also looking for a father figure. But to understand about human endurance attracts me more. Not to see it as witness as it would bring heartache as usual, but to see things unseen. The faith that can move mountains. What is in the heart, no one knows. It is not our right to know, but to see how the heart touches many. And what a privilege it is to touch.. So many people would like to make a difference. Obama once said, America is not a right but a privilege. So are we all dutiful as a citizen? Or are we all civilians?

The Nobel savage becomes a word. Because all of us would like to be entitled. But to have this endowed we all need to live by honesty. The word truly Asia really strikes me because it embraces enigmatically the colourful arrays of skin we have here and spices, diversity. Not only that, it is humility in it's state. Not sedative, but alive!

I remembered a literature in the bible that said, God died for our sins so that man might be saved. So that man might live freely. As a Christian, I have to believe this. And by practice, turns me into a witness. But freedom leads us to accept things that we can't change and a word of reminder that salvage this is God gave us the freedom the choose. And he showed us the way to the cross, not just a cliche of what religion is but to show us how we can live our way to purity and to escape of an insane world.

I wish to make a change. And I am devious at this. But when things get adrift, I hope that I can cling to that faith again. Maybe religion makes me a better person, unpretencious, unstupified. The book was a start of literature. And it gave us freedom to think. It doesn't neglect you and it gave you comfort. I learn a lot as a Christian and it made me to think for myself.

But by faith, only my God can save me. But by hope, I hope to see in people. Vortex. Why are we living in such dishonesty when the only thing that can save us is Good. I guess there is another word that comes after dominance that is anger. Hatred. It is so easy to let it go. But as a consequence, you see your own image magnifies before your very eyes. How easy it is to unlock humanity. Courage and real strength, where shall we find it. I find it in you.. That is what makes it bearable.

No boundary. This is my hope. This is my courage. And this is your strength. Only you can change. But how can I quit smoking? I have my own reasons. I really want my mother to quit smoking. And I'm glad that Dr. Marc did his part. It worries me unduly. I smoked a lot while writing my thesis. I was overwhelmed. But not anymore, as I am more relaxed. Smoking is unhealthy.

My only wish now is to see my science come through. But that depends on the definition. But it's not mine to tell. The only thing that I can do to comfort is that it is well meant but put it in the wrong hands, not only would it become useless but wrongly defined.