Monday, September 28, 2009


People say it's the longest living river in Sabah. Stretching far to 560 km, it snakes across different forms of vegetation and bathes the topography from rocky hills to the flat mud plains of Kinabatangan. I, for once, would like to call it the fragrant river.

It occurred to me how travelling by boat felt like flying. As the soft breeze sweeps you across the face, your adrenaline pitched high with the speed, the smooth acceleration aloft the chasm body of water and the mirror of puffy clouds beneath, give a tale that you're no different from the birds of the Borneon sky.

The sweet taste of figs tantalizing to the nostril is yet a tempting manner for in contrast to its' smell, it is not palatable neither to humans nor animals. Hence the name. This image is what Kinabatangan conjures. Almost everything is such a contradiction to the other. The degree of uniqueness is at its peak here in Kinabatangan.

We're entering into the domain of wild orangutans, man of the forests as defined by the word or the red ape to others. The orangutan is the only great ape in Asia with two adjacent cousins, the gorillas and chimps in Africa. Sabah, Borneo is fortunate enough to harbour these marvelous creatures. Orangutans are only confined to two countries, both Malaysia and Indonesia respectively. Far from what people think, orangutans are not found uniformly throughout the country. Restricted to certain areas, orangutans are deprived from pristine lush forests. Thereby, unsuprisingly, could also be found in degraded forests such as those in the Kinabatangan region.

What attraction drew me to this forest creature? It's the same question that I ask myself everyday. There isn't any definite answer that I can simply put it down in words. Maybe it's because they share the uncanny resemblance to us humans. Some had argued how similar we are to them in relative to other great apes in terms of behaviour, physical form and social relationship.

Orangutans are sexually dimorphic, long-lived and the most solitary of great apes as Birute Galdikas put it. What better reason than this can we say as we speak of ourselves.

Maybe it's also because of that intrinsic value they hold, although some would prefer to call it economically beneficial. There's no doubt that orangutans are the golden goose for the proliferating tourism industry. Everybody wants to see cute cuddly orangutans. Why? Because they're ENDANGERED, labelled as potential candidate to extinction and the fact that they are cute. But is that all?

What is the value of one species gone entirely from the face of the earth? Is it measurable in our materialistic language of ringgits, dollars, pounds etc? Once gone, it's gone forever. Well except for the coelacanth and other species like it that have thought to be long-gone. But what is the probability of this chance, one in a thousand, one in a million?

The only rendezvous we have with these long-gone creatures is a cold memoir of dead species carved in tombstone near Brooklyn, New York. Plus, children's story books.

Ask any tourists why they come travelling to Kinabatangan, you'd be struck dumbfounded to hear their answers, "people tell us to better come here before it's too late". Eerie feedback, but true.

I recall a story once told by a good friend of mine. He used to work as a logger before making a head start into conservation. You'd be surprised how bulldozers can work wonders with the forest landscape. Within minutes, trees that took years and hundreds of years to develop would be squashed down to the ground, flat.

Going through his daily routine, he continues to pull down logs until he came to one last standing tree. Huddled close between the foliage of leaves, was a mother and a baby orangutan. One thing about orangutans is that they don't flee away as logging operation takes place. Hoping to stay camouflaged and undetectable, they remain quiet and still. As the last tree falls, so do the orangutans.

The mother dead, with the infant still tugging her arm.... Unbearable with this sight, my friend made it quits to logging and ventured into Kinabatangan Orang-utan conservation Project, an initiative of a French NGO Hutan. What becomes of the baby orangutan? Perhaps wanting to sell it in the pet trade, the loggers took it away and tied it down with cables like a dangerous animal. The sharp wire etching into the flesh bit by bit drew the last breath of the baby orangutan. A bit the same story as elsewhere.

I have been wondering to myself, are the orangutans able to think or feel as we do? If perhaps the answer's yes, then do they qualify the same status as we humans oblige, an ethical recognition in a sense.

A philosopher once noted that this question is not the matter of thinking or feeling capability but to their ability to suffer. Not the extremity degree of suffering but the ability to feel pain. This is what all beings share in similarity.

I'm currently studying the orangutans which I hope, could better help me understand their behaviour. And also, with the hope that I could personally see the empathy in them just as how one looks a kerbau in the eye, or even other creatures big and small. It's more like a personal thing which could only help me satisfy. But again, which I hope I could share with others.

Kerbau = water buffalo

A Visit to Sukau


In the sweep of an eye, a storm stork glides across the sky, few dozens pigeons roost nearby, like tiny sparks off the sunset and just ahead of us a heard of massive elephants charmed us with their social display. From a distance, loud bellowing calls of the proboscis monkeys can be heard. We sat completely still in our wooden boat, masticating all the wonders that nature has to offer. Abang Man, one of the 5 field assistants in the botanical team, noted that we were quite lucky to have seen them on our first day of visit. Indeed it was a rare and spectacular sight to behold! To me, it was a captivating display of affection, a welcoming gesture to Kinabatangan Wildlife Sanctuary.

It was a bumpy ride to Sukau and it took us altogether around 7 to 8 hours of journey. Upon reaching KOCP (Kinabatangan Orang-Utan Conservation Project) station, Hassan, also a botanist, made a friendly remark by saying "I thought you guys were plantation workers coming!" glancing at the old rackety pickup we rode. Isabelle, the director of KOCP led us to her cozy home. Little did we know that our one-month stay would lead us to the road of discoveries and acquisition.

Waking up at 5.30 in the morning was a bit hard for us at first, but it was something to look forward to. I guess one thing that made our trip memorable was the immense equanimity you get here. Think of Sukau and what image conjures? Our stay gave us a tiny peek to that question. Apart from being a sanctuary, one picture that simply define the Kinabatangan region is the idyllic setting it gives, particularly during the cruise down the mighty river. The Kinabatangan river, stretching to 560 km in length, sets a juxtapose to its guests; being wild and serene at the same time.

Everything seems silently still in the morning except for the humming of the boat propeller. From afar, beyond the horizon of the river, the sun sat majestically on his throne, painting the sky with a pale opalescent crimson. The thud of the craft anchored at the river bank draws us back to consciousness. Then, not far ahead, appear a refuge - a refuge in every sense of the word. We sat foot to the home of the red apes. It's very important to be in the study site before they wake up. Through experience, we came to know how tiring it is to search for lost orang-utans. It's a strenuous job to do: trudging in knee deep mud then hiking up hills with long heavy boots - a daily routine. The greatest reward one can gain at the end of it all, is the personal satisfaction to have a glimpse of that remarkable creature Isabelle and her allies are fighting to save. The sight of Jenny embracing Etin in her arms simply gave a profound feeling on the beholders. That alone, is enough to convince that they have atavistic feelings just as we humans do. Hugues, a visiting friend of Isabelle's correlates a belief that the French have on orang-utans. They believe that the red apes were once humans which went to live in the forest to escape the jostling and disturbing way of life. To me, that summed up the reason why the six of us decided to come here in the first place.

Being the largest district in Sabah, Kinabatangan comprises 288 sq. km stretch of land whereby 70% of it, like other places in Sabah, has been dictated to oil palm plantations, as Wildlife Ranger Syedy Sunjin put it. Most of the forests are extremely degraded. But it is these fragmented forests that many endangered wild creatures and their generations depend their survival upon; thus, giving more the reason why intensive measures are needed to protect it. According to Isabelle's study, the density of orang-utans in her 4-5 sq. km study site is much higher, 3-5 individuals per sq. km compared to undisturbed habitats which is 0.5 - 2 individuals per sq. km. Her findings discredit the idea that orang-utans are only confined to primary forests. Apart from that, the Kinabatangan region is also special in the sense that it is home to 10 primate species. Fresh water sharks and rays have recently been discovered here. No other part of the world bear such uniqueness. The last species of water shark in China has been extinct 120 years ago.

We were trekking for wild elephants when William Joseph, a WWF employee goes by saying that the forest is like a big, compendious book. It congregates all tiny fabric which create the very beautiful tapestry of life. We are sincerely indebted to Dr. Isabelle Lackman Ancrenaz, Dr. Marc Ancrenaz and all friends whom had given us an opportunity to have a look on that fascinating book, an intriguing adventure that gave us a deep comprehension to the vast marvelous richness of nature, hence life.

Monday, September 7, 2009

AM I BAD?

So I smoke, am I bad?
I wear bearing outfits, am I a slut?
I speak the truth, can it be accepted?
I act dumb, am I stupid?
I follow my heart, am I a fool?

See the churchgoers, bowing their heads in solemn,
Knees bent, hands clasped together, are they holy?

See those men, don't drink neither do they smoke, no criminal records, are they clean?

What's in the mind?
What's in the soul?
What's in the heart?
No one knows. 

What is wrong, what is right? Does anyone know? Are you God?

Who are you to judge me?
Are you God?

I do what I FEEL is good. My heart speaks to me.
When love occupies the heart, so does God. 
For God is love. So tell me, do I listen to God or you?

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Disturbed

In the midst of people I knew,
Where do I belong,
Am I unique,
Always judged,
Always criticised,
Somehow I feel I'm different,
Am I blessed?

I'm in a journey,
Seeking of who I am, 
Thinking, pondering, contemplating,
The journey of the soul.

Poetry my song,
Loneliness my friend,
No being can understand,
No one can comfort me.

As the wind swept across my cheeks,
Shrouding me comfort,
Drifts away my sadness,
Bringing me music of the birds,
Wipes away my tears. 

I cast my eyes at the ocean,
Wondered the beauty of nature,
When is it my turn,
To go for that walk,
To search my soul,
Where do I belong? 

MOON

In the midst of a crowd of people, 
I stood alone, 
Everybody passing, everybody rushing,
I stood still alone,
Is this the world we live in, 
Or is this the world we reflect upon?

I long to be free,
Free from all anxiety,
Free from unreality,
Free from dishonesty.

I long to be in the woods,
With the archaic trees that stood,
And sway away with the stream,
Just a place for me to lean,
To let go of this pain I feel,
This emptiness I long to fill.

Where can I run,
Where do I belong,
Run towards the sun,
I can only dream on.

Only the wind, only the light,
Only the birds, only the earth,
That give me might in my plight,
In search of truth till the time is right.

I gazed at the starling stars,
I contemplate on that lonely moon, 
So cut off from the world,
So lost...

The hills, the vermillion coloured sky, the endless
ocean, the carpets of forest, the quiet canyon,
the universe...
give sense to life.

Instinct

Everybody wants to be in control, to impress people in order to progress and go further with their career. Along the process, they set themselves apart from the world. Tribal people are always at peace in the sense they are a part of the world. They fight, yes, but never go on war. They only do because we taught them to. They just take what's enough and leave a balance. There's one way of being a part of the world again. Not to leave development and return to the primitive state but simply to abandon one thing and that is dominance. Is there anyone willing to give up power and control? Everybody wants to be God. That's the greed that humans have since ancient times. (12.03.2001)

Mattias Klum

12.03.2001 He destroyed my zest for life. The colourful world looks so bleak. The dark clouds overshadow it and I can't find my path. I walk around so aimlessly as I bumped against things in the dark and got black and blue. Like a feather, I drift with the wind. When will I touch the ground and free myself from this illusion? I stand in the cross-road again, hard to decide where to go. I search for answer but in vain, when inside I feel so damn sore. 

As the sky drew darker, the road gets narrower. Still not know where to go o' poignant little wanderer. Kept on walking, kept on breathing. For what reason, you don't know. Only hope that someday, the light will shine your way. 

Mattias Klum: If I don't know that a bronze-coloured lizard lives behind the root over there, or that strange rumbling sound from the crowns of the trees comes from the wing strokes of hornbills, if I did not notice the scratches of the civet cat's claws on the bark of the fig, would the forest then be empty and deserted? This is not a world for those who must be fed with sensational encounters with big animals. It is a world that provides marvelous meetings with small things.

Saturday, September 5, 2009


02. 06. 2002 (12:15 pm)
I’m going to Gayana today with Tashi. Boat leaves from the port at 11, 12.30, 3.15, 6, 7 pm.

I noticed sudden changes in Tashi, and especially her nature towards me. At first I felt disturbed but now realized that it’s an improvement she’s trying to make. Discrimination, realizing that she must extend extra semesters, she had to be more serious. She carries herself by her own notion of what an adult is.

Everything seems to come into place. Like a piece of a puzzle that finally fits into the whole picture.

How everything seems insignificant and yet precious to me.


I believe there are signs everywhere which leads us to own path. How we are able to distinguish signs to mere coincidence. I believe that these signs, although more mundane to else, only meant for us, with every individual having different interpretations.

As I’ve went through my young life, I’ve faced many difficulties in which different feelings arise and cause us to approach situations in different perspectives. I am grateful that I’ve recalled what things that I stood for, the foundation which shaped the very being I am today. Be it inspiring quotations, the lovely book I once read, the smell and memory of the past. I once condemned my past, for which clings me. I couldn’t let go and move forward. Always haunted that left a burden unsettled in my heart. But it is not about letting go. But about accepting it. For it is now a part of us, that made us. Nothing more to feel. No sadness, no guilt, no regret, but only gratitude.

The task is, is this for real. Which does not change but grow.

(10.57 pm)


I went with Tashi to Gayana today. And the boat we took left around 330 pm. I had a wonderful time. The day seem perfect, the sea was beautiful, it didn’t rain, good company, smiling people and most importantly we swam. I even dived in once, although I was terrified but overcome that fear. I wore a bikini. By then, I didn’t care what people thought.

Tashi feels disturbed. I tried helping by listening to her laments, Although I know that may not offer good advice. I realize that what people need is just someone to listen. I believe that they already knew what must be done. Tashi talked about her uncertainty, her unsettled thesis, she feels down that she had to extend her studies and so forth. She complained much about money. Although I feel that her reasons for spending much money was absurd. But then again, I myself am not good at saving money. She considers doing facial as essential and she has materialistic needs which isn’t compatible to how much money she has in the bank. She holds vengeance towards her ex-best friend. I know how hurt that must feel. But her anger never ceases and she could not let go.

However so, to me, she’s one person that is unique and very self-opinionated which attracts me. She loves the sea because she thought she was best in it. And now singing because she is better in that than most people. She wishes a lot and that she wants what everybody has. Looking at her reminds me of myself.

Mandy called to tell me that she was beaten again by her husband. I don’t know if it was the truth or a lie. After all these years, it seems reasonable that I should have known not to trust her. But still, I feel obliged to listen although take precaution or at least hinted that I don’t believe all her stories. My mother said that I was stupid that have even bothered befriending her.

I didn’t believe in the system we live in. perhaps the reason why I didn’t like going to church is because I’m surrounded by many hypocrites. I can’t explain.

And yet in the eyes of people, I’m like a rotten person. When in fact, all that I’ve ever wanted was good. And that I try to live my life in such a way. It’s the very foundation I build my reason for living in the first place. It’s just so a way to read the pattern that I feel effortless if I were even to try to manipulate perception of people. Say the right things, wear the right clothes, hide the truth and everybody will love you. But I won’t allow myself to.

To my mother, this would be in fact be a way to survive in the “big world”. Survival of the fittest.

But to me, life isn’t about surviving at all but to be alive, to live.

I watch “dead poet society” last night. Winnie was right, I ought to watch it. I was surprised to find out that many poems quoted in the film are those that inspires me the most.

There was one time, I was working on the computer. I was sort of in a meditative state. My hands and mind were working on a subject. But at the same time I was trying to resolve a psychological problem. As I recall my memories of places and people, I came to a conclusion of what all these men wanted. And for the first time, I felt so certain about it. I guess it was partly my fault, that I myself maybe giving the wrong impression. No more was the time when girls and boys are equal. I am now seen as a woman and however I acted may be perceived as seducing to the opposite sex when in fact all I wanted to do is to express my beliefs of the equality of treatment between men and women and that all I wanted was to be friends. Seems to me now that the fate for me to have no partner, is certain.

20.06.2002
I have postponed many times, I wanted to write on this journal but then refrained. It’s as though I can’t bring myself to write whatever is in my head. I arrived on the 18th, just as I promised Marc that I will. I don’t know how much I spent. But I think that it’s about the time I started to trust myself. As I evaluate myself, although still unable to convince myself, that my actions are done based on critical judgments, so terrified that I may make big mistakes and then suffer consequences. Although I’m not perfect, although striving to be, it seems that I do think before doing something. I did a lot of thinking, just to survive in this world. I don’t know why but it always seems to me that whatever I’m doing, I feel is unimportant. I better stop criticizing myself so much and contemplating on my weaknesses, lest in the end, I’ll kill myself. Again, self-inflicted actions. Obviously, my mind was wondering somewhere, I wasn’t living in the present. Benoit left for a one week expedition to Abai today and left some things Agung gave me at Kamal’s room. Marc was also suppose to go to Tawau for an expedition but then it was put off. So he’s staying here for another 3 days before going to Sandakan. He said that it was better that way. In that we could discuss more. I’m staying in the Belian room, with larger space for 5 months. I have to learn lab techniques in October with Menno. I wonder if I should go back this July. I need to get some stuffs though. I remembered that I forgot newsletters for KOCP back home. We had a general meeting yesterday started at 9.30 am until 4.00 pm.


I received a bag of goodies from Agung. I was really intrigued by him. He’s so full of spirit. He gave me some clothes and other essential things for the field. He really took care of the things I borrowed him before that it looked very new. Obviously he cared for me, as he gave me the wrist compass afraid that something might happen to me, some antiseptics as well. But the best of his gifts, was his poem which I attached to my journal. In a way, it brings me back down to my foundations, just as when Jasica sent me the soul figures on the net. Reading his poem made me feel something for him. He gave me the opportunity , perhaps only a few people knew, a window, a pavement to himself and for that I am grateful. I guess now I somehow understood what it meant by, at this moment we have to perceive that we’re on our free will but later dawns that it was all destiny. Everyone I met and then having learnt from, essential to shaping my very being was all destined. Agung motivates me a lot. I was a bit tired in the beginning and he was like a perk. I have to remind myself, make it compulsory, a mandate that whatever happens, not to in my way, expatiate personal feelings on experiences to anyone because I know that it is destructive. I now know that not everyone is as smart as he/she looks. They have many flaws I noticed. And I have to accept that everyone is plainly like me. What is more destructive is that I’m moving in the fast lane, so petrified of showing weakness, so determine of showing my abilities, so afraid to do silly things. And these are my barriers to living. Always putting in my mind to do the only right things. But everyone has a different perception of what is right, which clearly changes from one society to another. I have to learn the cultures, the lesson, of keeping all to myself, to bear my own load. All the pains I felt through the years have prepared me for the future. Although not what I wanted or hope to be but now it seems that it was destined. I’m so afraid of being alone but everyday makes it clearer that this is how it suppose to be. I have to only rely on my journal for a friend, to express feelings that some will live with me until I die.

While folding the socks Agung gave me, I accidently scraped a skin under my nail and watched it bled again. Strange. When I was in KK, I couldn’t sleep well. Probably that’s why I’m always sleepy here. I slept all the way from KK to simpang Sukau. There was one time, because couldn’t sleep watch TV until 4 am. Or should I say the TV was watching me. I was thinking about Merijn before going to sleep, in my dreams and the first thing that hits me in the morning was the song he told me to listen, “by the way” by Red Hot Chili Pepper. I was trying to figure out if he likes me and that should I give a respond. But I know it was impossible therefore resisted from being clumsy. I didn’t call last time I met them last Wednesday (12.06.2002). Somehow I knew the truth. I asked myself this question, how am I suppose to leave when my heart was here? But upon surviving here, I console myself by thinking that everything will turn all right and what will certainly stop me is for me to think otherwise and “worry unduly”.

I will go to the forest today at 12.00 pm.

(10.46 am)

26.06.2002 (5.33 pm)
At least I’m all alone and the genset is off, so there isn’t any work I can do. It’s good to have some time off, that way I can write and expatiate everything inside. That is until Kamal might come in and bug me again.

He’s everywhere which is so irritating. He’s like a kid, like Agung, wanting someone to play with. At least Agung I can tolerate. He has some qualities which I admire and peaks at the moment I found a poem he left for me. Which I think is pretty romantic of him. It’s like a surprise, I love surprises just like the time I flicked through the Neglected Ape book and found the pink bookmark which obviously he placed on purpose. Prior to this, when he was here, I saw the bookmark he placed in the “mammals of Borneo” book. I found it and gave it back to him. Maybe just pretending not to know, it was in fact for me. I guess looks does matter after all which is the reality. But as I come across the poem “But Not Today”, I was more attracted and I knew that I wanted to know him more. I’m trying to keep as silent as possible, I’m afraid that Kamal would know that I’m inside this room and will come then come banging in. Just like when I was at the new station (Marc’s place), just of a sudden he showed up. Thank God Benoit was there. He looked lost, I gave him the most obvious gesture without being impolite as I could, telling him duh don’t bother me, get away. So not wanting to be embarrassed he simply asked me, like nothing else to say, do you know how to contact Diana? After that he just left, thank God again. Usually when the others are playing volleyball, I stayed wanting to finish any work at least something just to fill my time, and so did he. Today, just arriving from Marc’s place, I saw him playing volleyball. I think that’s him just arrived in his room. He gives me the goose-bumps and such action persists since the last time I was here. I wish that he’s able to continue his studies and end my misery. But back then, it was just for a short while I don’t know if I can stand it now, since I’ll be living here for 5 months. People here are weird, it seems hard to cope with each different attitudes, different perception, different goals. I guess I’m just not built for this and today’s experience is simply to cover this inability. I will try though. But overall I think it’s better than being at home. I like to think that what I’m doing here is important, I hope that it is. I suppose I don’t care how much money I’ll be getting, how much trials to go, just so that I might believe in what I’m doing does and will make a change, just to prove that my very existence does in fact matter, in contrary to what my mother says. Being here teaches me not to cry, even at home, there are many eyes watching lest being called a weakling. I wanted to tell everyone that Agung was my boyfriend, to save me from these people whom I believe might see an escape route to leave this place and doing something different. I don’t mean to judge. Marc and Benoit might think that I’m acting peculiar but circumstances made me so. Mislin asked me seeing a picture of Tashi up the wall, if she was my boyfriend. And I said yes. She might think that I’m a lesbian, I hope so and perhaps she’ll spread the news around and these boys will just get off me. What kept me busy and at least happy, is for me to focus on doing work. I’d rather go into the forest of course with someone I’m ok with. Telling everyone that Agung was my boyfriend wouldn’t be right as well, I might hurt him again in the process.

I’ve been dreaming about orangutans twice. The first, of Jenny and Etin in the forest when Mislin and I found them that very way. The second, as I remembered were four, 2 females and 2 males in a cage. I tried releasing them and I was crying profusely. Worst, they were caged by my family which was horrifying.


I also dreamt about Merijn, also in the forest. This time what I remember the most or looked highlighted were his eyes. My feelings towards him were sincere or could it just be the situation between Agung and I. Like a kid, maybe I too wanted to play, but with my own choice of a partner. I know that I should. I sense that he too likes me but just like some people I know, for the wrong reasons. However I also know that our pathway intertwine due to destiny. I know that the experience I had have some meanings, to teach me somehow to prepare for what may come. Like Agung once say to me, I have to defend myself. Like Lindley, he’s the second person I’ve ever met that wore mix-matched socks.

I don’t know where I’m heading and I’m afraid to know that I may go to the wrong path. But I also know that many damage was self-inflicted, I follow my emotions too much. This time, I will follow where ever opportunity may take me. Maybe or possibly longer time from now, I may able to go to my own liking and make my dreams come true. I knew that it is still burning hot and I know that my dreams are meant to be. For this, I believe, is why I am here. I sure hope that I am right.

Perhaps these are signs of growing up, I become more silent that ever, I begin to learn to keep personal feelings and events only to myself, begin to smile when necessary even during adversities. And so it is with the rest of my days. It is to be, a preparation. Only for what, is yet for me to know, someday, if I might have the chance to.

Obviously, I don’t look keen in what I’m doing. Perhaps I begin to erode the trust. I’m searching for something more sincere, something more which I can connect to personally. But here, this is the very best I can find. Not perfect but enough. I just hope that I am not tied up and then I might move on to next. I’d like to imagine myself on a passerby and simply to do my very best in whatever I can do in every stop. Maybe this is also why I have the tendency to do my work with keen. I’m searching for a place that I can call home and find a sense of belonging. I am willing to give up everything but to give my very best with condition that we share the same beliefs.


I was disturbed. Had a short drink and discussed about work I can do here in Sukau. I was told that I was taken in not because I was doing my MSc. but because I wanted to do. Based on these remarks, I conclude that my presence is not significant that I may not bring change. I wish if they could only say, I would like to leave and go somewhere that I am needed. I thought of somewhere else but I don’t have much trust. They might serve for they own very own interest or perhaps they’re not doing the right thing.

Maybe afraid again of saying anything wrong, I kept my silence. It is better this way. Opportunity is there, maybe family will be happy, bosses might say look what we’ve made her etc etc. Just like Reggie says (which I didn’t know even exist before), there are 2 types of successes: you could either be successful/unsuccessful or successful/successful. He’s sort of like a fortune teller which everything he says is just about the situation in which I expect will be. I know I was told not to reminiscence or romanticize memories anymore, but the only thing that I really want of today, is to really see Lindley again. I know that to him, I would merely be a speck of dirt in his memory. I am a fool I know but what can a girl do but dream?

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Blasphemy

18th February 2002 (8.42 pm)
Kurnia Perdana
I talked with Sabrina for a little while. From my short conversation, I knew then, how little I knew about her and her capabilities. I regret the fact, how little effort I took to understand about people and their capabilities. I remember again, that everyone meant good. Pain due to hurt, distrust are things which kill people and shape society. Unintentional actions produced which caused more hurt. A little imagination is what is required to overcome ordeal. I wish I could at least took the time to care more, understand more, criticize less and judge less. How could I ask for myself to be cared when in fact I showed the same gesture to people around me. I was amazed by Sabrina. She somehow knew or at least contemplate about life. It may also be due to my lack of attention to people. I regret the extensive time I had in my life in which I didn’t use to connect with people. Fear is probably the motivating factor which held me from doing things which I ought to. We know less about people and somehow judge people accordingly.

Being with people also reminds me how much strength and courage I have. Not being people made me dismiss my own qualities in which succumbed me to sadness. It is true, no man is an island. It isn’t the quality of time which we have is important but in how we decide to use the time given.

I had a dream last night, that I was in India. Shirley was also there and I was so happy. What’s funny was, my mother had a boyfriend, and that man was an orang puteh. He pretty much looked like someone I know. My mother bought me a sari, red in colour. And it was too damn expensive. The shop keeper gave me a price of RM421 when originally it was RM450.
Shirley and I then went walking about; we went to some flea market and the beach. I loved the beach. We watched the sun as we strolled along. I remember such deam, another one, when I went to Thessaloniki, at a rocky island and watched the sun. It was a happy moment, I dreamt that I had 2 choices of which food stall to go. One stall had the best looking chicken, the other one had cheap looking food. So I went to that stall instead. I imagined that the food would be cheaper as well but wasn’t. The stall that offered better food was in fact cheaper. But the stall which I ate had friendly service. I think this is how I live my life. I’m incapable of making the best choice but I try to keep a positive outlook to the decision I took. I’m afraid of regrets.

14th March 2002 (4.15 pm)
I started my practical on the 11th. All the staffs are busy with the entomology course since there are more entomologists. The launching was today. I helped a bit by carrying the books and at the registration corner. Twenty-four participants are supposed to show up but only 22 did. We received people from KOCP, DVFC, pest control, Jabatan Kesihatan KK and Sandakan etc. there were some UMS students as well including Sabslim and Saidi.

That’s all what I did today. Plus looking at Din’s pictures and listening about his experience in Italy in the afternoon.

Talked with Lucy in the morning mostly about her kid, Affendi. We together re-arranged the samples collected in the bilik basah. She seems to be a good mother, always talking about her kid, very concern and always taking part in doing his homework. I wish my mom was more like her. I promised kak Lucy to teach Affendi some English. I also gave her some surgical blades and other utensils.

The first day, I started by re-arranging the posters for exhibition. The theme: 3R, going to be held in Hyatt hotel next Monday (18/03/2002). Zainal also introduced me to Dr. Zahedi.

19th March 2002 (8.39 am)
I didn’t go to UMS. Spent the whole day at Hyatt. My job was to set up the posters by EAC. Expected to get a certificate later. Organized by DBKK. Was very sleepy. Didn’t sleep the whole night before. Spent hours making new posters as creative possible. Many were impressed.

They were not looking what I wrote. Instead, because they looked pretty. Tried to use as much recycled materials i.e. cardboard boxes and recycle papers. Put some dried flower, barks and shells.

The food was great though. I was amazed by how much food we could eat. They probably put out a lot of money on this. Or Hyatt might just sponsor the occasion. I ate three times and puke later. Other bodies were invited. Met Chai (practical with EAC), Bagon (with DBKK) and other 2 practical UMS students (DBKM). Met 2 first years: Felix from Labuan and Lennie from Science Social. Had some talks with Tzu Chin – was invited to come to help out on Sundays. They comfort cancer patients, garbage cleaning, orphan house on Sundays. Conventional to Buddhist religion, believed that Buddha is not god but an enlightened human. Describe human as having 4 purposes. Gave a small booklet of teachings.

21st March 2002 (Thursday)
‐ Help with entomology course – souvenir bags.
‐ Call Christine Goonting and Felicity Jim for Gaya booth on Sunday – make arrangements.
‐ Make photocopies of EAC members form.
‐ Taught Effendi.

22nd March 2002 (Friday)
‐ Clean/prepare bird for mounting.
‐ Met and discuss with Dr. Maryati.

23rd March 2002 (Saturday)
‐ Meeting at gallery, Chancellor – JICA – Biodiversity and Ecosystem Conservation.
‐ Prepare for exhibition on Sunday.
‐ Fax programme to Ben (Innoprise).
‐ Prepare gallery room.

GEF: Global Environment Facility
ODA: Official Development Assistance
OPEC: Organisation for Petroleum Exporting Countries
POP: Persistent Organic Pollutant
UNCED: United Nations Conference on Environment and Development
UNDP: United Nations Development Programme
UNEP: United Nations Environment Programme
UNESCO: United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation
WTO: World Trade Organisation
WSSD: World Summit for Social Development

After the Earth Summit (I) in Rio de Janeiro, countries condition in abide with Agenda 21 were SLUDGE (Slightly Less Development Genuflecting to the Environment). Second Earth Summit in New York stated that need to change from SLUDGE to DREAMS (Development Reconciling Environmental and Material Success). Next Earth Summit in 2002 – every 5 years.

Rob Lake, Royal Society for the Protection of Birds: problem in Earth Summit II – declining aid budgets in third world – Developed countries low finance. What need to be discussed in Earth Summit III:
1). How financial tools can best be used to do variety jobs à different types of environmental protection (from biodiversity to sewage treatment)
2). Different priority tasks for development (from health cue to export promotion)
Ref: Bigg, T. and Osborn, D. 1998. Earth Summit II. Outcomes and Analysis. UK: Earth Scan Publications Limited. Pg. 20

John R. Flenley. The Equatorial Rainforest. A geological history.
Before people thought that equatorial forest is stable not affected by ice ages of temperate regions. But 5 years after, found that got effect – equatorial area become arid not pluvials in state of considerable instability especially in montane areas.

… to suggest that fluoristic diversity endowed stability is not true. Jungle comes from sunskrit word “jangala” which means desert (Ollier, 1974).

28th March 2002 (9.35 pm)
TRUSMADI
Small scale expedition to the base of Trusmadi mountain. It’s not so cold here. Came in with 8 other participants: Menno and 4 of his students (Rambo, Muij, Merijn and Herman), Monica, Johnny and Azrie. We left the uni. At 9 something but only began to travel to Tambunan at 12 something since something wasn’t right with the invader. Poor Johnny, Azri, Muij and Rambo, they had to take the bus instead because no other vehicle except for the invader. I actually arrived at the uni. earlier at 7.45 am.

Having reached Tambunan, we went straight to the District Forestry Department. They couldn’t provide us any vehicle either. So the guys had to sit at the back instead. Did some shopping then came here. Menno and Johnny went to see the Ketua Kampung but had met with some problem. Firstly, we are not allowed to go to the nearest cave to this village. They harvest bats for consumption for commercial purpose. I think it abides to the natives law agreed between kampongs including this one. I personally feel that this is a good management. The cave is a restricted area and no one is allowed to enter that may scare the bats away even as far as 1 km from the cave. The bats are harvested beginning of the year ad at the end of the year. To solve this problem, we decided to visit another cave although further away. The villagers estimated a walk of 4 hours beginning at the end of the road. Four hours was an estimation for the villagers. It might take longer for us. We will return to KK on the 30th. I plan to go to the island this Sunday with Jasica and Alex.

Yesterday, I didn’t do anything much just made some minor preparation for someone to be in charge for the exhibition at gaya street. Jang offered to go, fortunately enough. Gave her the key and some instructions. She decided to bring along Homa. Met Suzainii and Christina Goonting. Chris doesn’t look local. She looks more like an Indian.

They prefer to call themselves artists enthusiasts. And therefore, a group. They were very nice and indeed enthusiastic.

As for yesterday, I attended the seminar of Bornean Diversity and Ecosystem Conservation at the Gallery, Chancellery Building. As with the day before (Mon) which was the launching Reefs at Risk Report was also on Tuesday – the launching started at 3pm instead at the IPMB new building.

30th March 2002 (8.34 am)
Going to leave very soon from now. Slept very early last night. I guess everybody’s tired. But I was the last one to sleep since I took my bath very late. Woke up at 6.27 am, maybe I’m already used to that hour. But I slept back again and eventually get off from my “sleeping bag”. Never did get to swim in the river. We can’t swim literally speaking since the water is quite shallow. But manage to brush my teeth in the river this morning since there wasn’t any tap water/gravity water.

The place gets cold only at night and the kampong people are quite shy. But very religious. Just the day when we first arrived, we had to wait for awhile to meet the kampong people after the mass had ended. We could hear choir singing from up the hill.

1st April 2002
I didn’t do anything interesting tody in UMS. Friends from Sukau called. How I miss them so much, it ever occurred to me to go there just to seem them. How I missed listening to the gibbons in the morning. I went to AMC college during lunch hour to make arrangements for 5 staffs to take full time intensive English. Suppose to meet Rusdy and Marc this evening.

5th April 2002
‐ Call En. Basri
‐ Inform Azimah and Baktihar about work this Sunday
‐ Meet Christian at 8.30 am – collect materials for Sunday
‐ Go to the bank
‐ Get 2 books photocopied
‐ Obtain info. about theme: Mengurangkan sampah
‐ Deliver attachment to Mislin

10th April 2002 (9.39 am)
I enjoyed doing the assignments because it gave me the opportunity to read more about those 2 regarding subjects. The first assignment touches on international communication. It really did open up my eyes. Although the facts were obvious since I was exposed to many cultures, only by reading can I put them in points. It increases my awareness and prepares me on how to respond to people, it motivates me to talk more in which I now know would be a subject which people from different backgrounds of culture would be interested of listening.

Europeans tend to argue a lot and the conversation lies on the talker, on how strong and persuasive their arguments could be. As for Asians, it’s the listener who should be responsible of taking in and understanding metaphors used by the talkers. I enjoyed reading but I hate writing reports. It’s like repeating things again which had already been understood.

The second assignment was about “ethics vs. laws”. This is very interesting because it’s very subjective and lends more on philosophical approach which I am really interested at. Got most of my information from the internet.

I remembered Ahmad saying that he and Fairus prefer watching comedian movies, simple movies that can make you laugh or excites you. It’s those people that loves movies which requires critical thinking and evaluating which could make better judgment in life.

22nd April 2002 (8.20 am)
I went to Tenom last Saturday. In total there were 11 of us. I really had a great time and Jasica’s friends were pretty much crazy. What I love most was the trip to Lagud Seberang.

All of us rented a bike each and we cycled around. I haven’t ridden a bike for a long time. So it was exhilarating. But I was disappointed how spentful I was. Food was where I put in my most money.

Reggie is good in reflexology. I ended up knowing that I must have serious problem with my heart and stomach. I knew that some time ago. When there were times I felt like fainting, or when for no apparent reason, my heart beats faster than usual. Or the feeling I had when I felt my heart eventually squeeze in when I was sad or touch. Probably, this illness was what gave me the ability to feel, to really feel. Being sensitive, very emotional (how I hate it sometimes), and to feel other peoples’ pain.

5th May 2002
I’m sitting at the KOCP jetty, learning a little about bird watching. Since my bino is not high in magnification, lack of experience and how swift the birds flew (hence the name), I can’t confirm the species. But I think I spotted a pair of pacific swallow (Hirundo tahitica), several individuals of white-bellied swiftlet.

6th May 2002
Yesterday (05.05.2002) did two types of field work.
primate river survey
orangutan observation

1st June 2002
I went to celebrate harvest festival 2-day in a row. The 30th was celebrated at KDCA and the 31st at the Cultural Centre. I went both with Francisca and Shirley. It feels so good to be with them again. I don’t like to be looked at as being someone who forgottens one culture and simply opted another’s.

I have longed to write everything here. Simply finding the right moment after accomplishing required chores for a little quiet time by myself, sit down and write. I don’t know why is it important for me to write whatever I’m feeling and thinking. Probably I know that by writing, I’m able to do myself a favour and help me let go of things. Therefore, I am determined to write till satisfactory is guaranteed.

I love very much my culture. I feel ashame of not being fluent in my mother tongue. I’ve tried speaking occasionally to passer-bys. I tried learning what I can about her history, old myths and origin. But I do not feel as though I belong in the community. Maybe I’m feeling just paranoid, but I know people are staring at me as though they knew me and have watched me everyday. Maybe it’s the way how I am dressed, different in any sense that draws attention and simply distinguishes me from the crowd. So as I go about my business, people simply spot me out. It feels weird as people whom I don’t know spoke to me in English, even knew my name. People like those that sell vegetables in the market and passengers in the mini van I rode with. Or how people in KK looks at me as though I’m familiar. All I want is to be left alone but treated nicely. Surely it must be due to the fact that I travel routinely between these places. And stationary people are prompted to take interest on walkways just to find interesting things to do to cover gaps of boredom.

It is very difficult for me to adjust myself between what I believe in my life and to the communal laws around me. Because as Asians, we count ourselves not as individual but as a collective group. From this, advantages and disadvantages bore out as so it is with other community structure in other parts of the world.

Maybe because I’ve spent most of my time alone, I’ve created my own definition of things and lived by principles that inspire me the most oblivious to the world around me. I know by now how naïve I am. Or simply knowing how things are but yet unwilling to adjust in this situations. I’ve tried being flexible by wearing different forms of attires suited to different crowd of people I’m with. I’ve tried to go out as often with people and talk more in conversations. But still I feel so uncomfortable. It’s as though that just by action, I could change things. That I could some part of myself that in every aspects become acceptable to everyone. I believe in action and that things could only happen if you make it to be. But I realized that whatever you do is not enough. And that life focus stochiastic changes, always not as you plan them to be. People are divided in many subgroups. Different ideological ideas that oftenly contrast between and this creates a refuge to want to belong. I would like to think that I’m able to accept any perspectives by society. The reason that I don’t take sides perhaps made me an outcast. I speak my mind bluntly, foolishly, impulsively. And yet I know that these discrimination exist although may not announced openly. What could bring me to my down fall is to speak my mind and that hasty decision to not care if everyone knew what I was thinking. I believe that the liberation to speak is good. But most be done by support of deeper understanding on a subject, knew the arguments, originally not merely borrowed form what people said, and certainty. My words are none of these. I simply speak because of silence and show. Maybe blinded by excuses, I reasoned my decision was rational.

I’m between the midst of holding my breath because I knew not of things and between the need to speak to build conversation skills and to learn to be extravagant. Of which I don’t know is right. It could also be that I’ve set too many laws in my life that the best thing to do is simply live and to not fear of making mistakes. So many times I’ve hated myself of poor judgment and wrong action. It seems to me that most of my worries were self-inflicted. I am like a child that could not keep her feelings to herself. I’m looking at a wrong direction. I believe that everyone is good that no one could ever had attention of hurting another being purposefully. I believe in relationships constructed out of love and romanticism. I believe that you could get what you want by never stopping to hope and by pure hard work. I believe that truth, sincerity and honesty will shine through eventually. I believe that kindness acts will be rewarded and appreciated.
But seems to me, that the world doesn’t go by in these terms. I feel stupid for thinking that it will. That whatever I’m doing will make a change and that individuality counts. It seems to me that I’m believing in something which is unusual. Or is it faith?

Inspite of my mother saying that the world is unfair, that unjust is what exist in this world, then all the foundation which I build in my life till today is hopeless and meaningless. All my life, I’ve dreamt of making my life something. I yearn for something more. Looking at the stars remind me of this. Or maybe I’m just looking at the wrong way. Maybe all I need to do is look.

I know that I haven’t accomplish anything that should be admired in the sense of status. I don’t even earn my own money yet. I’m not even over my studies. But this hasty urge that I have in me to live life to the fullest and the fear that I will die without feeling complete.

I’m embarrassed for being too idealistic, for having such romantic feelings, for being different, for being sensitive. I know it’s blasphemy for saying this, but for being myself. When all I wanted to do was good.

Nursery


3rd January 2002 (12.10 pm)
I realize that the personality I address to people are those that I assume, expected from me, of how I’m suppose to be rather than stating my true feelings and thoughts on any subjected matter.

I am free to use my knowledge gained from experience rather than focus on handouts compulsory to read from teachers. But I am not aware about the freedom I have to take the liberty to choose.

INFAPRO: only 10% plants are damaged (insects, consumed etc).

Does passion and faith go together?
That’s so funny. I was thinking but my gaze came to 2 Parkson labels on top of my desk. While thinking about something I was, at the same time reasoning why one label has the Parkson word on the centre and the other label, has the word aligned to the top.

Main threat to planting trees in Danum: fungus
37 dipterocarp species are used in planting.
Seeds – remove wings then dried in sun and covered by wet jut sack to hasten break of dorminancy.
Each worker carries 30 bags of plants on their bakid (rucksack).
Planted 10,000 ha out of 25,000 ha.
10% size of mesh used in nursery.

3rd January 2002
10.49 pm
For the places that I’ve been, for what I have seen and the beauty I felt, I can’t refrain myself, I can’t resist what I must do, I can’t do otherwise.

There is so much beauty in this world and yet so much pain. I thought that to live was to suffer, to learn from one’s mistakes. To fall is a privilege because one can spent only 9 months learning something which others might spent their whole life time and still not have got it.

Is growing up and gaining maturity the same? In growth, one learns how to distinguish what is right from wrong, good and bad, priorities and non-priorities. There is a thin line that separates these both, very vague. And the interpretation might differ from one individual to the other.

I hope that in whatever path I may take, I will always be true to myself.

Trip to Danum

20th December 2001 (9.56 pm)
Danum Valley Field Centre
It was about 6.30pm and I was standing just outside the male hostel as I draw my eyes to the view in front of me. I almost cried by my absolute adoration to the beauty I see. I saw beauty in creation. It was a blue hue of picture. Tall emergent trees stood in silhouettes and the Columbus cloud drifted blown by the wind. This fragment picture reminds me that beauty exists in life – the tapestry of life.

This trip to Danum is a special one. Although I came in as a group, I am certain that I will leave as one. Probably my mind is set in the mood that despite the crowdy surrounding, I’m making this journey on my own.


Wanting to prove something, wanting to be accepted or to be liked is an illusion on itself. Having something to cling on, brings vexation. The feeling of trying and trying so hard to grasp hold of something lest you might lose it. The answer is simple really but it takes great courage to just let go. I don’t think I have that courage yet. Insecure is what we get in trying to reach security.

I enjoyed the conversation I had with Isa. For the first time, I feel like I was telling my own story and that I was able to be myself.
I told her about my feelings about my future. My worries about where to work after all of this. Things are very complicated than once thought. I seem to understand all these happenings, but I still maintain that naïve look of a child. Perhaps I can’t be what I am expected to be, somebody with a strong character and that has control or power. I still maintain that my way will shine through. Although perspectively, being stringent or hard is not wrong, why do feel that it is. I’ve always wanted to do something different, in a less conventional way. Just like when I decided to spent 3-years of university life at home rather than staying at the hostel. But I realize now, that I should’ve chosen the latter. Life would be more easier. I will have more fun hanging out with my friends, going out often and plus copy assignments and free-access to class notes.

Inspite of this, I feel a small tinge of proudness of being able to have gone through this ordeal all by myself with less deceit.

Today, we went for the nature trail with Dato as our guide and he told us something about the trees. Alex gave a short talk concerning DVFC. Tomorrow, we’ll have a bird watching session, have breakfast and then at 8 am, depart for our 3 km walk to Tembeling waterfall. They estimate the walk to be 2 hours. At 2.30pm, take a visit to FACE and night safari after that. The next day, watch the sunset and then, walk to the place wjere we can see ancient coffins age 200-300 years old made from Belian.

Took us 30 minute to reach the junction to Sukau from Isa’s house, another hour to reach the town of Lahad Datu around 10-15 minutes to the junction to Danum and less than 2 hours to reach DVFC.

A WALKABOUT

Sitting down, knees fold,
Eyes gazed on the open space,
What is she thinking?
Nothing.
What is she feeling?
So many things.

The Stillness, her song,
As the whole world drift along,

She looks up at the stars,
And see the butterflies dancing,
She contemplate on the grass,
And watch the colours glowing,

As the wind caress her face,
She listens, enthralled by the song of the birds,
Watch, how they glide and twirl with grace,
But still, she questions, what’s this that hurt?

Her gaze went far with the breeze,
To the massive structure of the pyramids,
And great monuments of archaic trees,
And saw the African lions as they feed,

Wild people, colourful beads and dress,
Reflects the colour shades of skin,
An array of dialects, a spectrum of race,
Imagined, she asks, what makes us akin?

Pace by pace, she walks to the canyon,
And felt the warm earth beneath her feet,
As the marvel the richness beyond horizon,
Till the sun turns to moon, only to realise it was a gift,

And still, what is this that felt so hurt?
And what is this that felt so empty?
What is this that felt so confused?
What is this that felt so lost?

What is this that she’s searching for?
What is this that she’s seeking for?
Something virtual or reality?
Or the world with its hidden humility?

Then she understood, to look instead to see,
Of that which bind the Dance to the Dancer,
As the wave, the Ocean no better than the sea,
Of the book-reveal wisdom, never to falter,

The world, the mirror of heaven,
Nature, temple of the maker,
As a teacher to the be savant,
Thus she knew, what could be greater?

To acquire comprehension, the Grace from God,
No boundaries, no conditions, no mandatory,
Of that answer beckons to be sought,
And alas, to be free…

Then I saw her smiled.

Fenna


I haven’t been writing for so long. It’s as though I’m trying to figure out things. At this moment, I guess I’m not in a state of confusion, just uncomfortable. I feel that reality has opened up itself to me, as though truth has been revealed. Perhaps, this is what people say about culture shock. Or merely coming from the eyes of a person who spent many years concealed later to be brought forward and exposed to the real world. I’ve been living in a world of my own, establishing my own moral values and what are considered right regardless of how society or the so-called “real world” orientates. Somehow, I regret this. I remembered one Emeritus professor from Holland once said to me that humans are social beings and that they can’t live alone. Those who did dressed differently, acted differently. I feel grateful that I had so many teachers and those that tolerate my irritable being. What I feel now is a very long sigh. I’m still trying to consider whether to continue for my MSc or not. At times or maybe many times, after considering much, I didn’t want to go through this which I’m afraid will turn out bad. But my instincts say that I should. I wonder where has my faith gone. Where has that girl who eagerly wanted even to the extents of believing that she could in fact change the world, able to make a difference. This may be the time when a phase in our life, we feel as though we’ve been grind to dirt and feel totally hopeless. This may be the time in which what I once believed were all rubbish created by people who lived in illusion. But where is the girl who knew and despite this still kept believing that “this way” will indeed eventually shine through? Looking back at my life, I think that I was better or before I believed that I could do anything and so many things. Maybe because I’ve lost the security I once held and let go everything which clings us. I feel like I’m left with zero and had to start all over again. I have to start building back my confidence. Where are all my experience? I thought that they are supposed to be embedded in us and make us stronger and better? Is this humility which I’ve asked for. This world is indeed very tiring; everything seems wrong and yet right. It all depends on what side are you looking at. Therefore differs to the perception of different individual. I once revere nature, the mirror of God. What is there to find but to simply look. Now, I feel that I want more. I fear nature.


This morning remind me of this though. I was positioned on top of a hill detecting gibbon vocalization for the census. There was one bird, I think a Trogon. I was amazed by the exuberance, envious of how it celebrates life. This may be a romanticized view though, being sentimental. The bird was flying over my head several times. That is if I were to stand, the poor bird might directly hit me. To the bird, I could perhaps be a challenge. Criss-crossing above could probably bring an adrenaline rush to it as we humans seek for adventure in traveling or even trekking across these jungles. That bird simply flew up and down. Flapping its wings, gaining momentum, heading towards the sky, paused at mid-air then begin flapping again as it began to drop down. Seeing that bird, as it appeared to be enjoying the very life in which it was created. Contemplating on that bird, I felt so much wonder and beauty which I’ve long forgotten or rather ignored before that brought me to the verge of tears. I am a troubled person I suppose.