02. 06. 2002 (12:15 pm)
I’m going to Gayana today with Tashi. Boat leaves from the port at 11, 12.30, 3.15, 6, 7 pm.

I noticed sudden changes in Tashi, and especially her nature towards me. At first I felt disturbed but now realized that it’s an improvement she’s trying to make. Discrimination, realizing that she must extend extra semesters, she had to be more serious. She carries herself by her own notion of what an adult is.

Everything seems to come into place. Like a piece of a puzzle that finally fits into the whole picture.

How everything seems insignificant and yet precious to me.

I believe there are signs everywhere which leads us to own path. How we are able to distinguish signs to mere coincidence. I believe that these signs, although more mundane to else, only meant for us, with every individual having different interpretations.

As I’ve went through my young life, I’ve faced many difficulties in which different feelings arise and cause us to approach situations in different perspectives. I am grateful that I’ve recalled what things that I stood for, the foundation which shaped the very being I am today. Be it inspiring quotations, the lovely book I once read, the smell and memory of the past. I once condemned my past, for which clings me. I couldn’t let go and move forward. Always haunted that left a burden unsettled in my heart. But it is not about letting go. But about accepting it. For it is now a part of us, that made us. Nothing more to feel. No sadness, no guilt, no regret, but only gratitude.

The task is, is this for real. Which does not change but grow.

(10.57 pm)

I went with Tashi to Gayana today. And the boat we took left around 330 pm. I had a wonderful time. The day seem perfect, the sea was beautiful, it didn’t rain, good company, smiling people and most importantly we swam. I even dived in once, although I was terrified but overcome that fear. I wore a bikini. By then, I didn’t care what people thought.

Tashi feels disturbed. I tried helping by listening to her laments, Although I know that may not offer good advice. I realize that what people need is just someone to listen. I believe that they already knew what must be done. Tashi talked about her uncertainty, her unsettled thesis, she feels down that she had to extend her studies and so forth. She complained much about money. Although I feel that her reasons for spending much money was absurd. But then again, I myself am not good at saving money. She considers doing facial as essential and she has materialistic needs which isn’t compatible to how much money she has in the bank. She holds vengeance towards her ex-best friend. I know how hurt that must feel. But her anger never ceases and she could not let go.

However so, to me, she’s one person that is unique and very self-opinionated which attracts me. She loves the sea because she thought she was best in it. And now singing because she is better in that than most people. She wishes a lot and that she wants what everybody has. Looking at her reminds me of myself.

Mandy called to tell me that she was beaten again by her husband. I don’t know if it was the truth or a lie. After all these years, it seems reasonable that I should have known not to trust her. But still, I feel obliged to listen although take precaution or at least hinted that I don’t believe all her stories. My mother said that I was stupid that have even bothered befriending her.

I didn’t believe in the system we live in. perhaps the reason why I didn’t like going to church is because I’m surrounded by many hypocrites. I can’t explain.

And yet in the eyes of people, I’m like a rotten person. When in fact, all that I’ve ever wanted was good. And that I try to live my life in such a way. It’s the very foundation I build my reason for living in the first place. It’s just so a way to read the pattern that I feel effortless if I were even to try to manipulate perception of people. Say the right things, wear the right clothes, hide the truth and everybody will love you. But I won’t allow myself to.

To my mother, this would be in fact be a way to survive in the “big world”. Survival of the fittest.

But to me, life isn’t about surviving at all but to be alive, to live.

I watch “dead poet society” last night. Winnie was right, I ought to watch it. I was surprised to find out that many poems quoted in the film are those that inspires me the most.

There was one time, I was working on the computer. I was sort of in a meditative state. My hands and mind were working on a subject. But at the same time I was trying to resolve a psychological problem. As I recall my memories of places and people, I came to a conclusion of what all these men wanted. And for the first time, I felt so certain about it. I guess it was partly my fault, that I myself maybe giving the wrong impression. No more was the time when girls and boys are equal. I am now seen as a woman and however I acted may be perceived as seducing to the opposite sex when in fact all I wanted to do is to express my beliefs of the equality of treatment between men and women and that all I wanted was to be friends. Seems to me now that the fate for me to have no partner, is certain.

20.06.2002
I have postponed many times, I wanted to write on this journal but then refrained. It’s as though I can’t bring myself to write whatever is in my head. I arrived on the 18th, just as I promised Marc that I will. I don’t know how much I spent. But I think that it’s about the time I started to trust myself. As I evaluate myself, although still unable to convince myself, that my actions are done based on critical judgments, so terrified that I may make big mistakes and then suffer consequences. Although I’m not perfect, although striving to be, it seems that I do think before doing something. I did a lot of thinking, just to survive in this world. I don’t know why but it always seems to me that whatever I’m doing, I feel is unimportant. I better stop criticizing myself so much and contemplating on my weaknesses, lest in the end, I’ll kill myself. Again, self-inflicted actions. Obviously, my mind was wondering somewhere, I wasn’t living in the present. Benoit left for a one week expedition to Abai today and left some things Agung gave me at Kamal’s room. Marc was also suppose to go to Tawau for an expedition but then it was put off. So he’s staying here for another 3 days before going to Sandakan. He said that it was better that way. In that we could discuss more. I’m staying in the Belian room, with larger space for 5 months. I have to learn lab techniques in October with Menno. I wonder if I should go back this July. I need to get some stuffs though. I remembered that I forgot newsletters for KOCP back home. We had a general meeting yesterday started at 9.30 am until 4.00 pm.

I received a bag of goodies from Agung. I was really intrigued by him. He’s so full of spirit. He gave me some clothes and other essential things for the field. He really took care of the things I borrowed him before that it looked very new. Obviously he cared for me, as he gave me the wrist compass afraid that something might happen to me, some antiseptics as well. But the best of his gifts, was his poem which I attached to my journal. In a way, it brings me back down to my foundations, just as when Jasica sent me the soul figures on the net. Reading his poem made me feel something for him. He gave me the opportunity , perhaps only a few people knew, a window, a pavement to himself and for that I am grateful. I guess now I somehow understood what it meant by, at this moment we have to perceive that we’re on our free will but later dawns that it was all destiny. Everyone I met and then having learnt from, essential to shaping my very being was all destined. Agung motivates me a lot. I was a bit tired in the beginning and he was like a perk. I have to remind myself, make it compulsory, a mandate that whatever happens, not to in my way, expatiate personal feelings on experiences to anyone because I know that it is destructive. I now know that not everyone is as smart as he/she looks. They have many flaws I noticed. And I have to accept that everyone is plainly like me. What is more destructive is that I’m moving in the fast lane, so petrified of showing weakness, so determine of showing my abilities, so afraid to do silly things. And these are my barriers to living. Always putting in my mind to do the only right things. But everyone has a different perception of what is right, which clearly changes from one society to another. I have to learn the cultures, the lesson, of keeping all to myself, to bear my own load. All the pains I felt through the years have prepared me for the future. Although not what I wanted or hope to be but now it seems that it was destined. I’m so afraid of being alone but everyday makes it clearer that this is how it suppose to be. I have to only rely on my journal for a friend, to express feelings that some will live with me until I die.

While folding the socks Agung gave me, I accidently scraped a skin under my nail and watched it bled again. Strange. When I was in KK, I couldn’t sleep well. Probably that’s why I’m always sleepy here. I slept all the way from KK to simpang Sukau. There was one time, because couldn’t sleep watch TV until 4 am. Or should I say the TV was watching me. I was thinking about Merijn before going to sleep, in my dreams and the first thing that hits me in the morning was the song he told me to listen, “by the way” by Red Hot Chili Pepper. I was trying to figure out if he likes me and that should I give a respond. But I know it was impossible therefore resisted from being clumsy. I didn’t call last time I met them last Wednesday (12.06.2002). Somehow I knew the truth. I asked myself this question, how am I suppose to leave when my heart was here? But upon surviving here, I console myself by thinking that everything will turn all right and what will certainly stop me is for me to think otherwise and “worry unduly”.

I will go to the forest today at 12.00 pm.

(10.46 am)

26.06.2002 (5.33 pm)
At least I’m all alone and the genset is off, so there isn’t any work I can do. It’s good to have some time off, that way I can write and expatiate everything inside. That is until Kamal might come in and bug me again.

He’s everywhere which is so irritating. He’s like a kid, like Agung, wanting someone to play with. At least Agung I can tolerate. He has some qualities which I admire and peaks at the moment I found a poem he left for me. Which I think is pretty romantic of him. It’s like a surprise, I love surprises just like the time I flicked through the Neglected Ape book and found the pink bookmark which obviously he placed on purpose. Prior to this, when he was here, I saw the bookmark he placed in the “mammals of Borneo” book. I found it and gave it back to him. Maybe just pretending not to know, it was in fact for me. I guess looks does matter after all which is the reality. But as I come across the poem “But Not Today”, I was more attracted and I knew that I wanted to know him more. I’m trying to keep as silent as possible, I’m afraid that Kamal would know that I’m inside this room and will come then come banging in. Just like when I was at the new station (Marc’s place), just of a sudden he showed up. Thank God Benoit was there. He looked lost, I gave him the most obvious gesture without being impolite as I could, telling him duh don’t bother me, get away. So not wanting to be embarrassed he simply asked me, like nothing else to say, do you know how to contact Diana? After that he just left, thank God again. Usually when the others are playing volleyball, I stayed wanting to finish any work at least something just to fill my time, and so did he. Today, just arriving from Marc’s place, I saw him playing volleyball. I think that’s him just arrived in his room. He gives me the goose-bumps and such action persists since the last time I was here. I wish that he’s able to continue his studies and end my misery. But back then, it was just for a short while I don’t know if I can stand it now, since I’ll be living here for 5 months. People here are weird, it seems hard to cope with each different attitudes, different perception, different goals. I guess I’m just not built for this and today’s experience is simply to cover this inability. I will try though. But overall I think it’s better than being at home. I like to think that what I’m doing here is important, I hope that it is. I suppose I don’t care how much money I’ll be getting, how much trials to go, just so that I might believe in what I’m doing does and will make a change, just to prove that my very existence does in fact matter, in contrary to what my mother says. Being here teaches me not to cry, even at home, there are many eyes watching lest being called a weakling. I wanted to tell everyone that Agung was my boyfriend, to save me from these people whom I believe might see an escape route to leave this place and doing something different. I don’t mean to judge. Marc and Benoit might think that I’m acting peculiar but circumstances made me so. Mislin asked me seeing a picture of Tashi up the wall, if she was my boyfriend. And I said yes. She might think that I’m a lesbian, I hope so and perhaps she’ll spread the news around and these boys will just get off me. What kept me busy and at least happy, is for me to focus on doing work. I’d rather go into the forest of course with someone I’m ok with. Telling everyone that Agung was my boyfriend wouldn’t be right as well, I might hurt him again in the process.

I’ve been dreaming about orangutans twice. The first, of Jenny and Etin in the forest when Mislin and I found them that very way. The second, as I remembered were four, 2 females and 2 males in a cage. I tried releasing them and I was crying profusely. Worst, they were caged by my family which was horrifying.

I also dreamt about Merijn, also in the forest. This time what I remember the most or looked highlighted were his eyes. My feelings towards him were sincere or could it just be the situation between Agung and I. Like a kid, maybe I too wanted to play, but with my own choice of a partner. I know that I should. I sense that he too likes me but just like some people I know, for the wrong reasons. However I also know that our pathway intertwine due to destiny. I know that the experience I had have some meanings, to teach me somehow to prepare for what may come. Like Agung once say to me, I have to defend myself. Like Lindley, he’s the second person I’ve ever met that wore mix-matched socks.

I don’t know where I’m heading and I’m afraid to know that I may go to the wrong path. But I also know that many damage was self-inflicted, I follow my emotions too much. This time, I will follow where ever opportunity may take me. Maybe or possibly longer time from now, I may able to go to my own liking and make my dreams come true. I knew that it is still burning hot and I know that my dreams are meant to be. For this, I believe, is why I am here. I sure hope that I am right.

Perhaps these are signs of growing up, I become more silent that ever, I begin to learn to keep personal feelings and events only to myself, begin to smile when necessary even during adversities. And so it is with the rest of my days. It is to be, a preparation. Only for what, is yet for me to know, someday, if I might have the chance to.

Obviously, I don’t look keen in what I’m doing. Perhaps I begin to erode the trust. I’m searching for something more sincere, something more which I can connect to personally. But here, this is the very best I can find. Not perfect but enough. I just hope that I am not tied up and then I might move on to next. I’d like to imagine myself on a passerby and simply to do my very best in whatever I can do in every stop. Maybe this is also why I have the tendency to do my work with keen. I’m searching for a place that I can call home and find a sense of belonging. I am willing to give up everything but to give my very best with condition that we share the same beliefs.

I was disturbed. Had a short drink and discussed about work I can do here in Sukau. I was told that I was taken in not because I was doing my MSc. but because I wanted to do. Based on these remarks, I conclude that my presence is not significant that I may not bring change. I wish if they could only say, I would like to leave and go somewhere that I am needed. I thought of somewhere else but I don’t have much trust. They might serve for they own very own interest or perhaps they’re not doing the right thing.

Maybe afraid again of saying anything wrong, I kept my silence. It is better this way. Opportunity is there, maybe family will be happy, bosses might say look what we’ve made her etc etc. Just like Reggie says (which I didn’t know even exist before), there are 2 types of successes: you could either be successful/unsuccessful or successful/successful. He’s sort of like a fortune teller which everything he says is just about the situation in which I expect will be. I know I was told not to reminiscence or romanticize memories anymore, but the only thing that I really want of today, is to really see Lindley again. I know that to him, I would merely be a speck of dirt in his memory. I am a fool I know but what can a girl do but dream?