Thursday, September 3, 2009

Blasphemy

18th February 2002 (8.42 pm)
Kurnia Perdana
I talked with Sabrina for a little while. From my short conversation, I knew then, how little I knew about her and her capabilities. I regret the fact, how little effort I took to understand about people and their capabilities. I remember again, that everyone meant good. Pain due to hurt, distrust are things which kill people and shape society. Unintentional actions produced which caused more hurt. A little imagination is what is required to overcome ordeal. I wish I could at least took the time to care more, understand more, criticize less and judge less. How could I ask for myself to be cared when in fact I showed the same gesture to people around me. I was amazed by Sabrina. She somehow knew or at least contemplate about life. It may also be due to my lack of attention to people. I regret the extensive time I had in my life in which I didn’t use to connect with people. Fear is probably the motivating factor which held me from doing things which I ought to. We know less about people and somehow judge people accordingly.

Being with people also reminds me how much strength and courage I have. Not being people made me dismiss my own qualities in which succumbed me to sadness. It is true, no man is an island. It isn’t the quality of time which we have is important but in how we decide to use the time given.

I had a dream last night, that I was in India. Shirley was also there and I was so happy. What’s funny was, my mother had a boyfriend, and that man was an orang puteh. He pretty much looked like someone I know. My mother bought me a sari, red in colour. And it was too damn expensive. The shop keeper gave me a price of RM421 when originally it was RM450.
Shirley and I then went walking about; we went to some flea market and the beach. I loved the beach. We watched the sun as we strolled along. I remember such deam, another one, when I went to Thessaloniki, at a rocky island and watched the sun. It was a happy moment, I dreamt that I had 2 choices of which food stall to go. One stall had the best looking chicken, the other one had cheap looking food. So I went to that stall instead. I imagined that the food would be cheaper as well but wasn’t. The stall that offered better food was in fact cheaper. But the stall which I ate had friendly service. I think this is how I live my life. I’m incapable of making the best choice but I try to keep a positive outlook to the decision I took. I’m afraid of regrets.

14th March 2002 (4.15 pm)
I started my practical on the 11th. All the staffs are busy with the entomology course since there are more entomologists. The launching was today. I helped a bit by carrying the books and at the registration corner. Twenty-four participants are supposed to show up but only 22 did. We received people from KOCP, DVFC, pest control, Jabatan Kesihatan KK and Sandakan etc. there were some UMS students as well including Sabslim and Saidi.

That’s all what I did today. Plus looking at Din’s pictures and listening about his experience in Italy in the afternoon.

Talked with Lucy in the morning mostly about her kid, Affendi. We together re-arranged the samples collected in the bilik basah. She seems to be a good mother, always talking about her kid, very concern and always taking part in doing his homework. I wish my mom was more like her. I promised kak Lucy to teach Affendi some English. I also gave her some surgical blades and other utensils.

The first day, I started by re-arranging the posters for exhibition. The theme: 3R, going to be held in Hyatt hotel next Monday (18/03/2002). Zainal also introduced me to Dr. Zahedi.

19th March 2002 (8.39 am)
I didn’t go to UMS. Spent the whole day at Hyatt. My job was to set up the posters by EAC. Expected to get a certificate later. Organized by DBKK. Was very sleepy. Didn’t sleep the whole night before. Spent hours making new posters as creative possible. Many were impressed.

They were not looking what I wrote. Instead, because they looked pretty. Tried to use as much recycled materials i.e. cardboard boxes and recycle papers. Put some dried flower, barks and shells.

The food was great though. I was amazed by how much food we could eat. They probably put out a lot of money on this. Or Hyatt might just sponsor the occasion. I ate three times and puke later. Other bodies were invited. Met Chai (practical with EAC), Bagon (with DBKK) and other 2 practical UMS students (DBKM). Met 2 first years: Felix from Labuan and Lennie from Science Social. Had some talks with Tzu Chin – was invited to come to help out on Sundays. They comfort cancer patients, garbage cleaning, orphan house on Sundays. Conventional to Buddhist religion, believed that Buddha is not god but an enlightened human. Describe human as having 4 purposes. Gave a small booklet of teachings.

21st March 2002 (Thursday)
‐ Help with entomology course – souvenir bags.
‐ Call Christine Goonting and Felicity Jim for Gaya booth on Sunday – make arrangements.
‐ Make photocopies of EAC members form.
‐ Taught Effendi.

22nd March 2002 (Friday)
‐ Clean/prepare bird for mounting.
‐ Met and discuss with Dr. Maryati.

23rd March 2002 (Saturday)
‐ Meeting at gallery, Chancellor – JICA – Biodiversity and Ecosystem Conservation.
‐ Prepare for exhibition on Sunday.
‐ Fax programme to Ben (Innoprise).
‐ Prepare gallery room.

GEF: Global Environment Facility
ODA: Official Development Assistance
OPEC: Organisation for Petroleum Exporting Countries
POP: Persistent Organic Pollutant
UNCED: United Nations Conference on Environment and Development
UNDP: United Nations Development Programme
UNEP: United Nations Environment Programme
UNESCO: United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation
WTO: World Trade Organisation
WSSD: World Summit for Social Development

After the Earth Summit (I) in Rio de Janeiro, countries condition in abide with Agenda 21 were SLUDGE (Slightly Less Development Genuflecting to the Environment). Second Earth Summit in New York stated that need to change from SLUDGE to DREAMS (Development Reconciling Environmental and Material Success). Next Earth Summit in 2002 – every 5 years.

Rob Lake, Royal Society for the Protection of Birds: problem in Earth Summit II – declining aid budgets in third world – Developed countries low finance. What need to be discussed in Earth Summit III:
1). How financial tools can best be used to do variety jobs à different types of environmental protection (from biodiversity to sewage treatment)
2). Different priority tasks for development (from health cue to export promotion)
Ref: Bigg, T. and Osborn, D. 1998. Earth Summit II. Outcomes and Analysis. UK: Earth Scan Publications Limited. Pg. 20

John R. Flenley. The Equatorial Rainforest. A geological history.
Before people thought that equatorial forest is stable not affected by ice ages of temperate regions. But 5 years after, found that got effect – equatorial area become arid not pluvials in state of considerable instability especially in montane areas.

… to suggest that fluoristic diversity endowed stability is not true. Jungle comes from sunskrit word “jangala” which means desert (Ollier, 1974).

28th March 2002 (9.35 pm)
TRUSMADI
Small scale expedition to the base of Trusmadi mountain. It’s not so cold here. Came in with 8 other participants: Menno and 4 of his students (Rambo, Muij, Merijn and Herman), Monica, Johnny and Azrie. We left the uni. At 9 something but only began to travel to Tambunan at 12 something since something wasn’t right with the invader. Poor Johnny, Azri, Muij and Rambo, they had to take the bus instead because no other vehicle except for the invader. I actually arrived at the uni. earlier at 7.45 am.

Having reached Tambunan, we went straight to the District Forestry Department. They couldn’t provide us any vehicle either. So the guys had to sit at the back instead. Did some shopping then came here. Menno and Johnny went to see the Ketua Kampung but had met with some problem. Firstly, we are not allowed to go to the nearest cave to this village. They harvest bats for consumption for commercial purpose. I think it abides to the natives law agreed between kampongs including this one. I personally feel that this is a good management. The cave is a restricted area and no one is allowed to enter that may scare the bats away even as far as 1 km from the cave. The bats are harvested beginning of the year ad at the end of the year. To solve this problem, we decided to visit another cave although further away. The villagers estimated a walk of 4 hours beginning at the end of the road. Four hours was an estimation for the villagers. It might take longer for us. We will return to KK on the 30th. I plan to go to the island this Sunday with Jasica and Alex.

Yesterday, I didn’t do anything much just made some minor preparation for someone to be in charge for the exhibition at gaya street. Jang offered to go, fortunately enough. Gave her the key and some instructions. She decided to bring along Homa. Met Suzainii and Christina Goonting. Chris doesn’t look local. She looks more like an Indian.

They prefer to call themselves artists enthusiasts. And therefore, a group. They were very nice and indeed enthusiastic.

As for yesterday, I attended the seminar of Bornean Diversity and Ecosystem Conservation at the Gallery, Chancellery Building. As with the day before (Mon) which was the launching Reefs at Risk Report was also on Tuesday – the launching started at 3pm instead at the IPMB new building.

30th March 2002 (8.34 am)
Going to leave very soon from now. Slept very early last night. I guess everybody’s tired. But I was the last one to sleep since I took my bath very late. Woke up at 6.27 am, maybe I’m already used to that hour. But I slept back again and eventually get off from my “sleeping bag”. Never did get to swim in the river. We can’t swim literally speaking since the water is quite shallow. But manage to brush my teeth in the river this morning since there wasn’t any tap water/gravity water.

The place gets cold only at night and the kampong people are quite shy. But very religious. Just the day when we first arrived, we had to wait for awhile to meet the kampong people after the mass had ended. We could hear choir singing from up the hill.

1st April 2002
I didn’t do anything interesting tody in UMS. Friends from Sukau called. How I miss them so much, it ever occurred to me to go there just to seem them. How I missed listening to the gibbons in the morning. I went to AMC college during lunch hour to make arrangements for 5 staffs to take full time intensive English. Suppose to meet Rusdy and Marc this evening.

5th April 2002
‐ Call En. Basri
‐ Inform Azimah and Baktihar about work this Sunday
‐ Meet Christian at 8.30 am – collect materials for Sunday
‐ Go to the bank
‐ Get 2 books photocopied
‐ Obtain info. about theme: Mengurangkan sampah
‐ Deliver attachment to Mislin

10th April 2002 (9.39 am)
I enjoyed doing the assignments because it gave me the opportunity to read more about those 2 regarding subjects. The first assignment touches on international communication. It really did open up my eyes. Although the facts were obvious since I was exposed to many cultures, only by reading can I put them in points. It increases my awareness and prepares me on how to respond to people, it motivates me to talk more in which I now know would be a subject which people from different backgrounds of culture would be interested of listening.

Europeans tend to argue a lot and the conversation lies on the talker, on how strong and persuasive their arguments could be. As for Asians, it’s the listener who should be responsible of taking in and understanding metaphors used by the talkers. I enjoyed reading but I hate writing reports. It’s like repeating things again which had already been understood.

The second assignment was about “ethics vs. laws”. This is very interesting because it’s very subjective and lends more on philosophical approach which I am really interested at. Got most of my information from the internet.

I remembered Ahmad saying that he and Fairus prefer watching comedian movies, simple movies that can make you laugh or excites you. It’s those people that loves movies which requires critical thinking and evaluating which could make better judgment in life.

22nd April 2002 (8.20 am)
I went to Tenom last Saturday. In total there were 11 of us. I really had a great time and Jasica’s friends were pretty much crazy. What I love most was the trip to Lagud Seberang.

All of us rented a bike each and we cycled around. I haven’t ridden a bike for a long time. So it was exhilarating. But I was disappointed how spentful I was. Food was where I put in my most money.

Reggie is good in reflexology. I ended up knowing that I must have serious problem with my heart and stomach. I knew that some time ago. When there were times I felt like fainting, or when for no apparent reason, my heart beats faster than usual. Or the feeling I had when I felt my heart eventually squeeze in when I was sad or touch. Probably, this illness was what gave me the ability to feel, to really feel. Being sensitive, very emotional (how I hate it sometimes), and to feel other peoples’ pain.

5th May 2002
I’m sitting at the KOCP jetty, learning a little about bird watching. Since my bino is not high in magnification, lack of experience and how swift the birds flew (hence the name), I can’t confirm the species. But I think I spotted a pair of pacific swallow (Hirundo tahitica), several individuals of white-bellied swiftlet.

6th May 2002
Yesterday (05.05.2002) did two types of field work.
primate river survey
orangutan observation

1st June 2002
I went to celebrate harvest festival 2-day in a row. The 30th was celebrated at KDCA and the 31st at the Cultural Centre. I went both with Francisca and Shirley. It feels so good to be with them again. I don’t like to be looked at as being someone who forgottens one culture and simply opted another’s.

I have longed to write everything here. Simply finding the right moment after accomplishing required chores for a little quiet time by myself, sit down and write. I don’t know why is it important for me to write whatever I’m feeling and thinking. Probably I know that by writing, I’m able to do myself a favour and help me let go of things. Therefore, I am determined to write till satisfactory is guaranteed.

I love very much my culture. I feel ashame of not being fluent in my mother tongue. I’ve tried speaking occasionally to passer-bys. I tried learning what I can about her history, old myths and origin. But I do not feel as though I belong in the community. Maybe I’m feeling just paranoid, but I know people are staring at me as though they knew me and have watched me everyday. Maybe it’s the way how I am dressed, different in any sense that draws attention and simply distinguishes me from the crowd. So as I go about my business, people simply spot me out. It feels weird as people whom I don’t know spoke to me in English, even knew my name. People like those that sell vegetables in the market and passengers in the mini van I rode with. Or how people in KK looks at me as though I’m familiar. All I want is to be left alone but treated nicely. Surely it must be due to the fact that I travel routinely between these places. And stationary people are prompted to take interest on walkways just to find interesting things to do to cover gaps of boredom.

It is very difficult for me to adjust myself between what I believe in my life and to the communal laws around me. Because as Asians, we count ourselves not as individual but as a collective group. From this, advantages and disadvantages bore out as so it is with other community structure in other parts of the world.

Maybe because I’ve spent most of my time alone, I’ve created my own definition of things and lived by principles that inspire me the most oblivious to the world around me. I know by now how naïve I am. Or simply knowing how things are but yet unwilling to adjust in this situations. I’ve tried being flexible by wearing different forms of attires suited to different crowd of people I’m with. I’ve tried to go out as often with people and talk more in conversations. But still I feel so uncomfortable. It’s as though that just by action, I could change things. That I could some part of myself that in every aspects become acceptable to everyone. I believe in action and that things could only happen if you make it to be. But I realized that whatever you do is not enough. And that life focus stochiastic changes, always not as you plan them to be. People are divided in many subgroups. Different ideological ideas that oftenly contrast between and this creates a refuge to want to belong. I would like to think that I’m able to accept any perspectives by society. The reason that I don’t take sides perhaps made me an outcast. I speak my mind bluntly, foolishly, impulsively. And yet I know that these discrimination exist although may not announced openly. What could bring me to my down fall is to speak my mind and that hasty decision to not care if everyone knew what I was thinking. I believe that the liberation to speak is good. But most be done by support of deeper understanding on a subject, knew the arguments, originally not merely borrowed form what people said, and certainty. My words are none of these. I simply speak because of silence and show. Maybe blinded by excuses, I reasoned my decision was rational.

I’m between the midst of holding my breath because I knew not of things and between the need to speak to build conversation skills and to learn to be extravagant. Of which I don’t know is right. It could also be that I’ve set too many laws in my life that the best thing to do is simply live and to not fear of making mistakes. So many times I’ve hated myself of poor judgment and wrong action. It seems to me that most of my worries were self-inflicted. I am like a child that could not keep her feelings to herself. I’m looking at a wrong direction. I believe that everyone is good that no one could ever had attention of hurting another being purposefully. I believe in relationships constructed out of love and romanticism. I believe that you could get what you want by never stopping to hope and by pure hard work. I believe that truth, sincerity and honesty will shine through eventually. I believe that kindness acts will be rewarded and appreciated.
But seems to me, that the world doesn’t go by in these terms. I feel stupid for thinking that it will. That whatever I’m doing will make a change and that individuality counts. It seems to me that I’m believing in something which is unusual. Or is it faith?

Inspite of my mother saying that the world is unfair, that unjust is what exist in this world, then all the foundation which I build in my life till today is hopeless and meaningless. All my life, I’ve dreamt of making my life something. I yearn for something more. Looking at the stars remind me of this. Or maybe I’m just looking at the wrong way. Maybe all I need to do is look.

I know that I haven’t accomplish anything that should be admired in the sense of status. I don’t even earn my own money yet. I’m not even over my studies. But this hasty urge that I have in me to live life to the fullest and the fear that I will die without feeling complete.

I’m embarrassed for being too idealistic, for having such romantic feelings, for being different, for being sensitive. I know it’s blasphemy for saying this, but for being myself. When all I wanted to do was good.

No comments:

Post a Comment