Fenna

I haven’t been writing for so long. It’s as though I’m trying to figure out things. At this moment, I guess I’m not in a state of confusion, just uncomfortable. I feel that reality has opened up itself to me, as though truth has been revealed. Perhaps, this is what people say about culture shock. Or merely coming from the eyes of a person who spent many years concealed later to be brought forward and exposed to the real world. I’ve been living in a world of my own, establishing my own moral values and what are considered right regardless of how society or the so-called “real world” orientates. Somehow, I regret this. I remembered one Emeritus professor from Holland once said to me that humans are social beings and that they can’t live alone. Those who did dressed differently, acted differently. I feel grateful that I had so many teachers and those that tolerate my irritable being. What I feel now is a very long sigh. I’m still trying to consider whether to continue for my MSc or not. At times or maybe many times, after considering much, I didn’t want to go through this which I’m afraid will turn out bad. But my instincts say that I should. I wonder where has my faith gone. Where has that girl who eagerly wanted even to the extents of believing that she could in fact change the world, able to make a difference. This may be the time when a phase in our life, we feel as though we’ve been grind to dirt and feel totally hopeless. This may be the time in which what I once believed were all rubbish created by people who lived in illusion. But where is the girl who knew and despite this still kept believing that “this way” will indeed eventually shine through? Looking back at my life, I think that I was better or before I believed that I could do anything and so many things. Maybe because I’ve lost the security I once held and let go everything which clings us. I feel like I’m left with zero and had to start all over again. I have to start building back my confidence. Where are all my experience? I thought that they are supposed to be embedded in us and make us stronger and better? Is this humility which I’ve asked for. This world is indeed very tiring; everything seems wrong and yet right. It all depends on what side are you looking at. Therefore differs to the perception of different individual. I once revere nature, the mirror of God. What is there to find but to simply look. Now, I feel that I want more. I fear nature.

This morning remind me of this though. I was positioned on top of a hill detecting gibbon vocalization for the census. There was one bird, I think a Trogon. I was amazed by the exuberance, envious of how it celebrates life. This may be a romanticized view though, being sentimental. The bird was flying over my head several times. That is if I were to stand, the poor bird might directly hit me. To the bird, I could perhaps be a challenge. Criss-crossing above could probably bring an adrenaline rush to it as we humans seek for adventure in traveling or even trekking across these jungles. That bird simply flew up and down. Flapping its wings, gaining momentum, heading towards the sky, paused at mid-air then begin flapping again as it began to drop down. Seeing that bird, as it appeared to be enjoying the very life in which it was created. Contemplating on that bird, I felt so much wonder and beauty which I’ve long forgotten or rather ignored before that brought me to the verge of tears. I am a troubled person I suppose.